


Evan's story

by giulia_liddell



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2019-11-09 06:19:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17996540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giulia_liddell/pseuds/giulia_liddell
Summary: A rewriting of the story, from an Evan/Connor point of view. What would it be like if Connor's suicide note was actually written by Connor? If he and Evan were dating before his suicide? If Evan rewrote the emails to hide their relationship?





	1. Shock

**Author's Note:**

> I tried. I wanted to this for a while. It's not particularly original, but I hope it's at least bearable.  
> Sorry if I made any mistakes, English is not my first language.

_You have to stop texting me._

 

Evan started panicking as soon as he read the words on the screen of his phone. Of course. It was over. Had he really been foolish enough to think that this could last longer? That everything would be fine? Trying to control his breathing and his shaking hands, he replied

 

_Why? What did I do?_

 

Then he waited. _Writing… Writing… Writing…_ With every second that passed, he felt worse. It was a stupid question. He shouldn’t have replied. He knew why. He knew it was his fault. He was just _unpleasant._ But it hurt nonetheless. _Writing… Writing… Writing…_

 

 **_OMG_ ** _. I’m sorry I phrased that_ **_really_ ** _in the wrong way. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I hope you didn’t panic. I meant that we have to find another way to communicate because the phone is no longer safe. I don’t want us to be over or something like that. I want to talk to you, and write to you, and go out with you._ **_I want you_ ** _. Please,_ **_don’t ever think that I don’t want you._ **

 

Evan read the message in a rush and breathed out. Ok. Ok. Everything was fine. It wasn’t over.

 

_Evan?_

_Evan are you still there?_

_Oh my God, I knew it, I made you panic. I’m so sorry._

_Babe, please answer me_

 

Evan snapped out of his trance and remembered to reply

 

_Sorry, I’m here._

_Don’t worry I didn’t panic_

_Well, maybe just a bit…_

_Sorry_

_What do you mean “the phone is no longer safe”?_

 

The message did sound weird. It sounded a bit paranoid. Like “the FBI is monitoring me”

 

_My dad is controlling my phone starting tomorrow morning_

 

That was unexpected. Why the hell would Mr Murphy do such a thing? And wasn’t it illegal? It was a privacy violation, right?

 

_What?!_

 

_He thinks that this way he will keep me from behaving badly._

_He thinks that when I’m texting you, I’m actually texting a gang or something_

_I tried to tell him that I was texting a friend, but he didn’t believe me_

_He said that know he’ll control my phone so I’ll learn not to lie to him anymore_

 

_He can’t do that_

_He doesn’t have any right to do that_

_I know babe, but I can’t do anything about it._

_We just have to find another way to communicate_

 

_What about emails?_

_He doesn’t check your emails, right?_

 

_Evan, that’s genius!_

_I don’t think that he even knows I have an email address!_

  


And so they started exchanging emails. It was weird at first. They would write very short messages like they were still texting, but one day they started writing longer email until the became actual letters.

During junior year they managed to meet a bit more at Evan’s house when his mother was working. Evan remembered vividly one of the last “dates” at his house.

 

Connor would always knock on the backdoor. As soon as Evan opened the door, Connor was hugging him tightly and nuzzling his head in his neck.

-Oh, I missed you…-  he whispered

-Connor, you see me every day at school!- laughed Evan, while Connor tightened his grip

-Yes, but only from afar. I don’t get to hug you…- Connor's voice dropped lower as he distanced himself a bit from Evan and kissed him chastely -...or kiss you.- They both smiled and Evan blushed lightly.

-You’re a dork.-

 

Those were the good times. When Evan was capable of going outside and Connor was able to get out of bed. But there were also bad times: when they couldn’t even talk, and would just sit next to each other, in a field or in Evan’s room, holding hands and trying to make the pain go away. Sometimes it could get worse. Connor couldn’t open up or Evan couldn’t reply to Connor, and in that cases, they just waited, distant but always there.

 

It was all a mess in Evans memory, but a mess he loved. He would hold Connor through the nights his suicidal thought got in control, and Connor would hold him to wave after wave of panic when the world would just become too much.

Then summer break came around and Evan was more relieved than ever. His anxiety was always a lot more manageable during the summer: no school, less social events and more opportunities to see Connor. And the summer before Senior year felt amazing. But as September arrived and school started again, something had changed. Evan could feel that there was something wrong with Connor, something he was not telling him. Connor ignored all of his emails and didn’t write to him for two whole weeks and Evan was worried sick. They had times like that before, but never this bad. Evan remembered several times in which Connor wouldn’t reply to him, but he wrote anyway, just to let him know that he was there.

 

_Just remember that I’m always here for you, that I love you._

_I know you don’t want to talk to me right now and that’s ok, I understand_

_but never forget that you are loved and wanted_

 

Some time would pass and then out of the blue Connor would respond

 

_Thank you for your support, you know I appreciate it. I love you too, I just… had a lot on my mind. You know how it goes…_

_Do you want to go somewhere tomorrow? Are you free?_

 

But this time Evan received nothing. Not even a word.

  


The first day of school came around. Evan dreaded being at school again, but the idea that maybe he could see Connor made him a little excited. He hoped that he would come to school, so he could see him and make sure he was at least okay.

Connor did come to school. And as soon as he saw him Evan struggled not to smile and hug him. He just watched with caution in his direction. He might have been worse than Evan thought. He was pale, he lost weight, and he had deep dark circles under his eyes.

_Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he write to me or come to my house? Why he’s not telling me what’s going on?_

Evan could feel his worries grow and grow. They bumped into each other in the halls and Connor pushed him. Evan was a bit startled. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.

 

The first period went by and Evan went in an empty laboratory to print some documents for college applications. While he was there, Connor entered and closed the door.

He immediately hugged and kissed Evan like he had been starving for contact. And probably he had been. It was a bit weird though, Connor never kissed him at school.

-Hey babe.- he breathed out once they separated

-Connor, are you ok? I haven’t heard from you in two weeks, and I was worried and…-Evan had started shaking -Hey, shhhh, shhhh. It’s okay, Evan.- replied Connor while running his hands up and down Evan’s arms -It’s okay. I had a few problems with my dad, but now I solved everything. I’m so sorry about pushing you, but I was so excited to see you that I almost kissed you and I didn’t know how to cover that up… I hope I didn’t hurt you... I missed you so much that for once I actually wanted to come to school! It was hard to pretend I didn’t want to come, but my family doesn’t pay much attention to me anyway…-

-Hey, don’t say stuff like that. Your father may not be the best, but he cares for you, in his own way. Your mother clearly loves you very much and your sister just doesn’t know you that well.- Connor smiled weakly  

-You always have a word of comfort… Wait, before we go back to class, I have something here…- Connor searched in his bag for a bit and picked out a small packet and a letter -Here, this is for you. But don’t open it now! Only when you get back home!-

-Oh my God! Thank you, Connor. But I don’t have anything to give you…- Evan frowned

-Don’t worry about it… Hey, you can let me sign your cast.-

Evan laughed -Sure!- Connor grabbed a sharpie and signed the cast in huge letters and smiled proudly. Evan laughed

-You really want to make sure that everyone knows you signed it, uh?- Connor hugged him

-Of course! It’s my duty as your boyfriend to sign your cast in the biggest letters. My signature has to be the most visible.-

-Alright… Still, are you sure you are ok? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to come over tonight? My mother has a night shift.- Connor smiled and gazed right into Evan’s eyes

-Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m great actually. But I can’t come over, we have a family dinner, to celebrate the start of senior year. It was my mother’s idea. Anyway, I can see you tomorrow. Right now, I’ve gotta go. I have to at least attempt to go to class… Can you give me just one more kiss?- Evan blushed furiously. He didn’t even know why. It had been a while since they had got together, but still, he wasn’t really used to Connor when he was so sweet.

-Ye...yeah... What has got into you, by the way? You usually never risk doing this at school… Not that I’m complaining… I missed you.- Connor grabbed Evan’s face with his hands and pulled him into a deep kiss. It was urgent and passionate, it felt like Connor was pouring his soul into the kiss. When they separated they were both breathless. Evan buried his face into Connor’s sweater and Connor caressed his hair and kissed his temple

-I gotta go, I love you Evan Hansen.- Evan giggled

-I love you too, Connor Murphy. See you soon.-

  


Evan was more relaxed now that he had seen Connor. He seemed… almost ecstatic. Evan had nothing to worry about, Connor was fine.

 

A few days passed and Evan didn’t hear from Connor at all.

_Why? He said we could see each other now… He was so happy the first day of school… Did something happen? Why didn’t he tell me anything? I could help him. Maybe he doesn’t want my help. Maybe he doesn’t want me. And who could blame him? I’m a failure. I’m… I’m… unlovable._

 

Evan tried to write an email. But he couldn’t come up with anything longer than three sentences. And he panicked a lot.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I know something is wrong. I want to help you, please let me know how can I help you._

_Sincerely, me._

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I thought you wanted to see me yesterday? Have you changed your mind? Did I do something?_

_Sincerely, me._

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I don’t want to bother you… I’m sorry I keep writing to you… I shouldn’t… I just want to know if you’re ok… If you don’t want to talk to me, at least contact someone else, please. I love you, never forget that._

_Sincerely, me._

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_It’s my fault, isn’t it? Of course. I knew that sooner or later you would get sick of me… I just… I hoped that it would be later…_

_Sincerely, me._

  
  


And then out of the blue Evan was called in the principal’s office. He immediately started panicking. _What did I do? Maybe they want to kick me out? Or I failed the last test?_

 

Cynthia and Larry Murphy were there. Evan never met them before, but Connor showed him some photos once. They were… crushed. Cynthia raised her head when Evan entered and sighed weakly. _Why are they here? Did they discover his relationship with Connor? Was that why Connor hadn’t replied to him? Dd they want to separate them? And why it seems like Mrs. Murphy had been crying? Her eyes are puffy and red and she keeps sniffling._

-Mr. Hansen, good morning.- greeted the principal.

-Good… good morning sir. Am I in trouble?- Evan stuttered a bit and kept fidgeting with his hands.

-No, Mr. Hansen. Please, sit down. We have a delicate matter to discuss.- the principal gestured to an empty chair beside the Murphys. The principal continued

-These are Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, the parents of Connor Murphy. I understand you know each other?- Evan nodded slightly

-Ye… Yes. We have a couple of classed together.-

-Mhh. I see. You must know then that Connor has been absent from school for a few days.- Evan nodded again -Now, Mr. Hansen, we are here to inform you that a terrible thing has happened to Connor.- Evan felt like his lungs had stopped working. _Something happened to Connor? What could it be? Maybe he had an overdose? No… He was going fine with rehabilitation. He had promised to get clean. But then again, they didn’t see each other for a couple of weeks during the summer, maybe he relapsed. Maybe that was why he was so ecstatic the first day of school. Or maybe he got into a fight. Or maybe… No. He would have asked his help if that were the case._

-Connor Murphy killed himself the evening of the first day of school.-

And everything around Evan just went numb. He could only hear the ringing in his ears and the beating of his heart. His lungs were emptied of all the oxygen. He felt… He felt… sick. Like every organ inside of him was being crushed at the same time. But he also felt nothing, nothing at all. He kept thinking of Connor. His name was everywhere in his mind.

 _Connor. Connor. Connor. Connor. Connor. He’s gone. Connor is gone. Gone._ The voice of the principal reached him like he was miles aways.

-I understand that you must be upset, mr Hansen. We all are. But there’s another matter we have to discuss. The Murphys found Connor’s note and it was addressed to you. So they want to show it to you and ask you a few questions..- Evan couldn’t respond. He just open his mouth slightly and sucken in a breath. He tried to nod, but couldn’t feel if his head actually moved. Mr. Murphy leaned closer an spoke in a soft voice

-My boy, you must be very shocked. We… We are too… Here’s… Here’s Connor’s note.- the man handed Evan a sheet folded several times and wrinkled in some places. It was an email. A printed email. _This is cruel._

 

 _Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_  
_I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._  
_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
_Sincerely,_ _  
_ Your most best, and dearest friend, Me

 

Evan thought that it was impossible to feel this much pain. He thought that he was about to die because his body couldn’t take this much without crumbling. “ _Your most best, and dearest friend, me.” He changed his greeting. Our greeting._ It was like he hidden a whole different meaning behind that greeting. It was his way of saying “I love you” without actually writing it. _Why am I not crying? I feel like a should be crying. I want to cry. Why am I not crying?_

Mrs. Murphy slowly spoke to Evan

-Ev… Evan… We would like to invite you to dinner this evening, to talk with you. We didn’t know you and Connor were friends… And… And we would like to hear something about your friendship… What… What do you say?- Evan just nodded, still unable to speak.

-Thank you, thank you dear.- Mrs. Murphy seemed on the verge of tears

-Aright, you can go back to class mr. Hansen.- said the principal without waiting for a response. Evan got up automatically and exited the office. Once he was back in the hall a wave of pain crushed him. He fell to the ground and started crying. The reality of what happened hit him. _Connor is dead. Connor killed himself. My Connor is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. It’s all my fault. I wasn’t there for him. I didn’t help him. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. Connor is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead._

_Connor killed himself._


	2. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan prepares for his dinner with the Murphy family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to post this as soon as I could as I will be inactive for a few days.  
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos, I hope you like this chapter too.
> 
> I changed Jared a bit, because I like to think that he actually considers Evan as his friend and I also like to think he is a bit more supportive... I don't know, I hope it works in the context of the story
> 
> As soon as I can I will correct every mistake I notice in this chapter as well as in the first one and I'll also try to male the layout a bit better...

Evan got home and his mother greeted him, noticing immediately that something was wrong

-Hey sweetie, is everything ok? Did you have a bad day?- she asked trying to look at him in the eyes, but he kept avoiding her gaze and nodded slightly.

-Oh, I’m sorry Evan… Do you want to talk about it? Did you have a panic attack?- Evan tried to say “no”, but no sound came out of his mouth. Heidi still understood, smiled weakly and let him go. 

 

Evan sat on his bed and looked at the floor. He didn’t feel like he was really there. It was like being in a dream, nothing around him felt real nor tangible. He felt more tears running down his cheeks and dripping down his chin.  _ This is not happening. This can’t be happening. Now I’m just going to call Connor and he will answer me and say that he will come over tonight and we’ll watch some movie and chat and cuddle and everything will be alright.  _

_ Connor is at home, trying to study because he doesn’t want to lag behind everyone, he wants to finish high school. He can’t be gone.  _

 

He knew he had to go to the Murphys’ house. He felt he owed them something. He had to explain who Connor really was and how much he cared. He had to set things right. But he didn’t feel strong enough. Going to Connor’s house, seeing his parents and his sister, all the traces that Connor left there… It seemed too much. 

 

He needed help. He needed to know how to face this situation. And so he called on Skype the only person he talked to that wasn’t Connor or his mum, Jared Kleinman. They weren’t very close, but they were friends. Jared just didn’t want everyone to know that he was friend with the weird kid that was always a nervous stuttering mess. And Evan got that. In Jared’s place, he wouldn’t have wanted everyone to know that he was his friend. 

-Hey loser, what’s up?- Jared greeted

-Hey.- managed to reply Evan

-Wow, you look like shit! What happened to you?- Jared still had that cheery attitude of his, but a little bit of worry was still visible in his expression. Evan though didn’t notice it

-I heard about Connor Murphy.- he whispered

-Connor Murphy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s sad. I wonder why… I didn’t know him though… He was just a crackhead weirdo… And he was violent… Definitely not a good person to be around.- replied Jared and saw that Evan didn’t seem pleased with what he said, so he added -Wait, you knew him?- 

-Yes.- Evan felt his voice was about to crack.  _ I knew him better than everyone else. I know him better than everyone else.  _

-Oh. That is… Unexpected… I mean, you are so shy and quiet and… he… Well, it doesn’t seem like your personalities really match… But the world is full of weird friendships!- Jared smiled brightly as he finished like he was trying to lighten the mood

-I have a problem.- Jared looked confused

-Yes?-  _ How the hell can I explain this? I have to try with small steps… And I have to try not to cry.  _ Evan took a deep breath and responded trying to make his voice sound more firm than it really was. 

-Connor’s parents invited me to their house for dinner, to talk about my friendship with Connor… They never met me before…- 

-Oook… And the problem is…?- 

-The problem is that… That… I can’t… I can’t talk about our friendship… I can’t talk about our friendship because… We weren’t friends… We were… Connor and I were…- Evan felt his voice crack.  _ Damn it! Stupid, stupid, stupid me. This isn’t helping at all. Jared will never talk to me again.  _ -Connor was my boyfriend.- And now he was crying again. Not whimpering, just silently crying. 

Meanwhile, Jared tried to absorb the news. It was already a bit of a shock to know that Evan knew Connor, but consider that they were in a relationship? Them? Two people that seemed so different and so distant…

-Ok, ok. Try to breathe slowly, man. You were boyfriends? Like in a relationship, right?- Evan nodded

-Ok. Ehm. I didn’t know you were gay, man. Not that there’s something wrong with that, of course! Just… I’m a bit surprised… I… Oh. OH. You must be a mess. Oh gosh. I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to help with this kind of stuff… So your problem is that you don’t know how to tell the Murphys that you were all lovey-dovey with their son?- Evan shook his head

-They can’t know that. I don’t know how to pretend that I was just his friend… I’m worried that I’ll accidentally say something I shouldn’t… And… I don’t know if I can talk about him without breaking down… I… I just got the news today… I still can’t believe it…- 

-Oh. Ok, I kind of get it… Just try to be very vague and actively censor anything that goes beyond a handshake and… Use what you said to each other to describe conversations about girls, or something like that. You know what? Imagine you are talking about me. Whatever you did or say with Connor that you wouldn’t do or say with me, you must not say. Does this help?- Jared raised his eyebrows as he asked. He wanted to be of help. Evan always helped him when he asked, even if they weren’t that close. Jared felt guilty. He felt like he took advantage of Evan’s kindness. He could at least try to help him now. He knew that Evan didn’t have anybody else. 

-Yes, yes. This is really helpful. Thank you, Jared. Sorry, I bothered you, you must be busy… I’ll go now… Thanks, again.- Jared smiled, trying to hide the worry and shame in his expression

-Yeah, no problem man.- And Evan ended the call. 

 

He just had to pretend that Connor was like Jared to him. Easy, right?  _ Who Am I kidding? I’ll never be able to do this.  _

His phone buzzed. Maybe his mom? No, something on Twitter. He was about to ignore it, but then he saw Connor’s name. “@ConnorMurphy”. 

It was Alana’s Twitter. He didn’t really know her, but they had a few classes together. She was a high achiever, definitely a lot better than him, but she seemed lonely. 

 

“ _ RIP @ConnorMurphy” _

_ “Still can’t believe the terrible news about @ConnorMurphy” _

_ “I’ll post a few stories on Instagram about @ConnorMurphy, for anyone who’s interested” _

 

Evan didn’t recall them being close. Connor was a bit of a lone wolf. He had a few friends… Not really friends… People he knew when he started doing drugs. He also talked a few times with a girl who he worked with one summer.  _ Maybe they knew each other?  _

Evan opened Alana’s Instagram stories. There were a couple of videos of Alana talking, she looked sad. 

 

-I wasn’t really close with Connor… We had a couple of classes together. I think English and History, or maybe Chemistry? No, no, definitely History… I can’t believe that he was here just a few days ago and now… RIP Connor, we’ll miss you. If Connor meant something to you contact me, we could use a friend at times like this.- 

 

Evan continued watching other stories. And they were all the same. Girls and boys that never talked to Connor saying how much they missed him and how sad they were. Evan threw his phone on the bed.  _ They are… They are acting like this is about them… Like they care. They didn’t even know him! They didn’t give a shit about him!  _ Evan felt furious. They were just destroying Connor’s memory. He felt his face heat up and more tears start to fall, this time tears of anger. He just wanted this to be over. He wanted to have Connor by his side telling him that everything was okay, that they would be okay. But nothing was okay and Connor wasn’t there. 

 

_ -Evan… It’s four am… Are you ok? Why are you calling?- laboured breathing came through the phone _

_ -I’m… I’m… Panic…- Evan managed to say  _

_ -Ok, ok. Listen to me, babe. Focus on my voice and on my breathing. You are okay, nothing’s wrong, I’m here with you. Just listen to me and try breathing with me. Breathe in… aaand breathe out… Good. Breathe in… aaand breathe out… Good. See? You’re doing great! Breathe in… aaand breathe out… Better?-  _

_ -Ye… Yes.-  _

_ -Good. Did something happen? Or it was just out of the blue?- Connor sounded worried _

_ -Out of the blue. I couldn’t sleep and… and then I just started panicking… I’m so sorry I woke you up.-  _

_ -Don’t worry, babe. I slept enough anyway. And you should never feel bad for calling me, I’m here for you and I want to help you… Besides I like hearing your voice.- Evan giggled _

_ -And you are adorable when you do that! Glad I could make you feel better.-  _

  
  


They were just one call away then, but not anymore. 

 

Evan was in front of the Murphys’ house. Ready to knock. Sort of ready. He felt his heart beating like crazy. There was no way out now. He still had the sensation that if he opened that door Connor would greet him and guide him in his room upstairs. He would smile and hug him. He would feel warm and comforting. 

 

_ Evan felt someone knock downstairs. At four am. Definitely, he was not going to check that. The knocking continued and then he heard a voice. He got halfways downstairs to listen more easily.  _

_ -Evan! Evan it’s me! Connor! Open up!- Evan quickly got to the backdoor and let Connor in. He immediately hugged Evan.  _

_ -Hey babe, how are you?-  _

_ -Fine, I mean better.- Evan was a bit confused. -Why are you here?-  _

_ -What do you mean why? For you of course! You just had a bad panic attack and I brought some chocolate, just being a good boyfriend. And I also haven’t seen you in a while… And if still can’t sleep I could keep you company… What do you think?- Connor was acting weird _

_ -Connor, that’s really sweet, but you seem a bit… too energetic… Are you ok?- Connor smiled weakly _

_ -No, not really… I… I don’t know what’s wrong, but I know that I feel better when I’m with you… Do you mind if I sleep here?- Evan caressed his cheek _

_ -Of course, I don’t mind.-  _

 

He finally knocked and Cynthia let him in. She was… different. This morning she seemed desperate, she had been crying, her hair was messy and she couldn’t speak. Now, however, she was covered in makeup, neatly dressed and with a big smile plastered on her face. It was like she was wearing a mask.  _ Well, I am wearing a mask too, right? I think it’s the whole point of this evening. _

-Hi, welcome! Dinner is ready, you can go sit at the table. Thank you so much for coming!- 

Evan walked in. It felt so strange. He went to Connor’s house just once. One time, for pure coincidence, Connor’s parents were out of town and Zoe went to a sleepover. And Connor wanted him to see his house. He also needed him, he was going through a hard time and being alone didn’t help. Evan remembered the quiet day they spent together, watching a couple of movies, making themselves something to eat and playing board games. Connor was really tired from weeks of pain, but that day he was just relaxed, at peace. And Evan never forgot his tired smile and bright eyes. But now, the second visit to his house was really different. Still, Connor’s presence was there. In all the photos, in his jacket on the hanger, in a pair of his shoes left by the door. It was almost like he just went out for a moment and, in a few minutes, he would be there. 

 

-Ah, Evan, it’s nice to see you again, my boy. I hope you like chicken.- Evan felt a bit awkward around Mr Murphy

-Nice to see you too. Yeah, sure who doesn’t like chicken.- 

-Zoe! It’s time for dinner! Come meet Evan!- Cynthia called. Zoe slowly came downstairs and started to stare at Evan. She narrowed her eyes like she was searching for something on his face.

-Hi! I’m Ev…- Zoe interrupted him immediately

-Evan Hansen. Yes. So you were friends with my brother?- she sounded suspicious

-Yes, I am… I was his friend.- Evan felt stupid for having to correct himself. 

-Why?- scoffed Zoe, but before Evan could answer Mrs Murphy made them sit down

-Will have plenty of time to talk while we have dinner, first sit down.-  _ This will be a nightmare. Why am I here? I will fuck up. Of course I will fuck up. They expect something from me that I can't give them. Zoe thinks I'm lying. She knows I'm lying. She's right, I am a damned liar. I can't even admit to myself why I am really here. I want to pretend Connor is still here. I want to pretend I'm visiting his family, like any normal boyfriend would do. I want to pretend everything is normal. And I will ruin everything, like I always do, like I did with Connor.  _

 

-Evan, dear, why don't you tell us what you liked to do with Connor?- asked Mrs Murphy in a cheerful voice, smiling brightly, too brightly. Evan noticed that her eyes were teary. She was barely holding it together for the sake of that dinner, just like him. 

_ Well, here goes nothing.  _


	3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan stays at the Murphys house for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments, I appreciate the feedback
> 
> I'm not really sure about this chapter, so if you have any opinions, comments are really welcome. 
> 
> As always, I apologise for any mistake, but English is not my first language, still I'll correct every mistake I find.

_ What the hell do I say now? How do I start?  _

Evan was fidgeting with his hands. He felt himself heat up and his hands start shaking.  _ I can do this.  _ He didn’t think he could convince himself. 

-I… Connor and I… We… We liked to go out of town, in the countryside. We usually grabbed something to eat and sat in a field… Just talking. It was nice.- 

 

_ -Hey Evan, come here!- Connor opened his arms and Evan scooped closer.  _

_ -Sorry, I just… Didn’t know how comfortable you were with me being close and all…- Connor laughed _

_ -Evan, we got together two months ago, I think that we are way past sitting two feet away by now.- Evan lowered his head like he was ashamed of himself and Connor continued speaking in a soft voice -I know that I’m not the best with physical contact, but I’ll try to be better for you, ok? I know that contact makes you feel better and honestly your presence is calming for me... - Evan held his hand _

_ -Thank you Connor, thank you so much. But still, I don’t want you to push your boundaries for me. Do only what you are comfortable with, promise me.- Connor looked at Evan in the eyes and teared up a bit.  _

_ -I promise.-  _

 

-He always told me that he wanted to do a lot of stuff once he finished high school. He said that the world is full of things to do and it would have been a shame to always stay in the same place. He wanted to learn to sail, to play an instrument and be at least half as good as Zoe, he wanted to do the Appalachian trail by bike and a lot of other things. But sometimes he felt like he wouldn’t ever be able to do anything…- Evan pause for a moment.  _  This is hard. I don’t know if I can go on for much longer. Connor. You wanted to do all of this… Why did you give up? _

 

The Murphys were in shock. This person that Evan was describing… It couldn’t be Connor. Zoe, in particular, seemed to be on edge, like there was something Evan said that was bugging her

-We never knew that you were his friend, why? We didn’t even know he had friends, honestly, he wasn’t a good person to be around. Why didn’t he text you or call you or even mention you at home?- Evan was nervous. These were the kind of question he didn’t want to answer

-I… We… He didn’t want anyone to know that we were friends… He was afraid that we would be judged because we were so different and he was afraid that other people would drive me apart from him because he had a bad reputation. About the texts… At first, we contacted each other via text, but then he said that… He said that Mr Murphy started controlling his phone and he didn’t want him to read our private conversations… And we started exchanging emails… That’s… That’s why his note is an email...- he lowered his head expecting Mr Murphy to get mad, but he just swallowed and closed his fists. Zoe, however, wasn’t done

-That… That thing you said about playing an instrument… Did Connor say that?- she sounded pissed, Evan just nodded a bit scared by her expression

-He… He said that he was proud to have a sister that could play an instrument so well and he wished he could do something too…- 

-I don’t believe you. Connor never gave a shit about me.- Spat Zoe. Evan didn’t respond, he knew that Connor’s relationship with his sister was basically inexistent, he knew that Connor didn’t want to get too close, that he was afraid he could hurt her. Evan also knew that Zoe had no idea. 

-Zoe, that’s not how you talk to guests. Please, Evan, continue. Was Connor… Was Connor a good friend to you?- Said Mrs Murphy in a slightly wavering voice. Evan nodded and then started to speak

-Yes, yes he was. He was a great friend.-  _ A great boyfriend.  _ -He always made sure I was alright and we could talk about anything.-  _ Girls. Say, girls.  _ -We often talked about the girls we liked and anything that came to our mind… We talked about our favourite songs and we had our own inside jokes… He never judged me, never. And… And…- Evan took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He could feel the urge to cry, to scream, to do anything that wasn’t talking about Connor right now. -He was with me when I broke my arm.- Evan instintevely traced the big black letters on his cast. -We wanted to climb a tree, to see the field from the top. He raced towards the tree and called for me. We were climbing so high, so fast. I was happy, the sun shining on my face, Connor by my side, nothing was wrong at that moment. But one branch I grabbed gave away and I fell. I couldn’t move and my arm was numb, I was so scared, but when I saw Connor running towards me… I knew that everything was fine.- Evan tried to hold back his tears. 

 

_ -Evan! Evan! I’m here, I’m here.- Connor called from afar. His vision was slightly blurred but he could see the dark outline of Connor’s body getting closer. He felt the pain of the fall and a few tears rolled down his cheeks.  _

_ -Evan, babe, I’m here. Are you hurt? Where? Hey, hey, no, no. Breathe slowly, like me. It’s okay, everything is okay. I’ll take you to the hospital, okay?- Connor wiped away his tears and kissed his forehead.  _

 

-Oh, so it was Connor that took you to the hospital?- asked Mrs Murphy in disbelief

-Yes… He stayed there with me until my mother arrived…- Cynthia smiled

-I didn’t know that Connor was so kind…- Evan replied a bit too quickly

-He is. He was. He was…-  _ Shit. I’m so pathetic. So pathetic.  _ -Sorry… I’m sorry… I… I better get going…- He got up in a hurry and walked towards the door. Mrs Murphy followed him.

-Evan, wait! Thank you for coming… We appreciated your presence…- Evan turned around at the last moment and Cynthia saw that he was crying desperately

-Thank you for inviting me, but I can’t stay any longer. Good night.- and he walked out. 

_ It hurts. It hurts so much.  _

 

Evan dropped on his bed, still fully dressed and looked at the ceiling. He raised one hand as if he could touch the roof and then dropped it again. He was still crying.  _ When will I have no more tears? Connor, tell me. I miss you. I miss you so much. Why? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave your family? What happened? Why didn’t you tell me that something was wrong? I could’ve helped you. I would have done everything to make you feel better.  _

Evan remembered the letter and the packet that Connor gave him, he hadn’t opened it yet. He couldn’t remember why he didn’t open it. He slowly got up from his bed and retrieved the objects from his desk. First, he opened the letter.

 

_ My dear Evan, _

_ I always wanted to write you an actual letter, I’m sorry I’m doing this only now and for this reason. This is the second note I’m writing today, but this is only for you, without any censor.  _

_ I’m not good with words and I know I won’t be able to explain what I am feeling. I know that it hurts, it hurts like hell. I know that I almost wanted to smoke again, I didn’t just for you, because I would have never forgiven myself if I broke the promise I made you. Still, I am breaking a promise. I am not asking for help. And I am sorry. But this time is different. It’s not the same pain, it’s not the same darkness. I feel like there’s nothing outside all of this, outside what I am feeling. There’s no recovery this time. This summer, this summer that we spent together was the best I have ever had. Everything we did… I think that if there’s a heaven, mine would be this summer with you, forever. I love you, I truly love you. You are the only person in my life that didn’t judge me, that didn’t think I was just a junkie, that wasn’t afraid of getting closer, of knowing me. You are the one that convinced me I could actually become someone, I could go to college and get a real job. You are the one that made me hopeful about the future, that made me feel like I could have something good. You are the one that made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me. Like there was nothing wrong in us being to together. I often imagined a future together. I wanted to stay with you, to buy a flat and fill it with plants and flowers for you, learn to cook together and live like a real couple. I didn’t stop wanting these things, I didn’t stop wanting you. But… I’m a mess. And not in a charming way. My head is always full of thoughts that feel like daggers against my skull, I often feel pain in all my body, like it’s my own blood that is hurting me. I know that I am worth nothing, I know that my family is better off without me. Zoe, I hoper I could be better for Zoe. Every day I risk hurting her. I can’t be a good brother to her. She deserves to live in a quiet house, to focus on her studying and her guitar without having to worry about her psycho brother. My parents surely would like not having to worry about me embarrassing them. I know you’ll be better off without me. You’ll find someone better than me, someone, who can treat you right and not disappear for weeks. You’ll have a happy life without me. I can’t do this anymore. I just want to stop existing. I want you to know that you must not feel guilty about this. This is not your fault. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You couldn’t have done anything to stop this. Even with all your love, you can’t cure a person. Even with all the love you gave me, you couldn’t cure me. But you still made my last years amazing. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. You are a truly kind soul and the person I love the most. I love you, I love you, I love you. I never said it enough. I was still scared to get too close, to hurt you. I should have said it more. I should have kissed you more, I should have hugged you more. I love you, Evan, I love you with all my heart.  _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Connor. _

  
  


Evan clutched the letter to his chest. He felt like he was overflowing with love and pain at the same time. The words that Connor left him, just to him, were all there. He felt every bit of love that Connor had poured into it. But he also felt the pain that he left behind, the pain that he felt. He felt anger for being abandoned. He felt like Connor didn’t consider his feelings like he just assumed that he would be better without him.  _ I am not better! I am not! I want you back! Can’t you see? I’m suffering! I miss you! I love you! And you are not here! You are not here! _

Evan collapsed on the floor and screamed into his pillow.  _ I am not better without you. I am not better without you. I will never be happy without you.  _

 

The packet had fallen on the floor in front of him. Evan tried to calm down and picked it up. He slowly opened it. There was a box with Connor’s signature. 

 

_ “To Evan, with all my love” _

 

It was a photograph of them together at the abandoned apple orchard, they had taken it that summer. Behind Connor scribbled the date and a small description

 

_ “One of the best day of my life, with you. Your love was the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, Evan Hansen.” _

 

Then Evan noticed a small note and a necklace in the box with a black ring in it. It was one of Connor’s rings. 

 

_ “I often dreamed of getting you a ring, nothing fancy, just a present for our second year anniversary. In the end, I think that this could remind you of me more.” _

 

These were Connor’s last gifts. Connor’s last traces. Evan imagined Connor filling the box on the morning of the first day of school, fully aware of what he would have done that evening. How could he be so calm and happy that day? Maybe that was the point. He had already decided and he was happy with his decision. He really thought that he was doing the right thing. Evan couldn’t imagine what that would have felt like. Being so sure that your existence is just a problem for everyone, being so sure that your love isn’t worth anything. Feeling not like you want to die, but like you don’t want to exist. It seemed such a… Violent feeling. He couldn’t imagine what pain Connor felt. But if he just waited, if he just waited a bit more… That darkness can’t last forever. The sun always shines through, there’s always someone that will be there to help you get up and walk towards the light. Connor wasn’t alone like he felt. Evan saw his parents, he saw how desperate they were. He saw that even Zoe, as much as she didn’t want to admit to herself, even Zoe was crushed by Connor’s death. And he wanted to ease that pain. He wanted to assure them that Connor was good, that he loved them. 

 

Evan called Jared through skype. 

-Hey loser! How was dinner? Nothing awkward? Like instead of saying “pass me the salt” you said “I am your son’s girlfriend”? - Jared smiled brightly as always, Evan didn't really feel like smiling but his friend's attitude did cheer him up a bit. 

-Dinner was… Something… I decided I have to give the Murphys something more about Connor. I want to make them read a few letters we wrote to each other… But I need your help.- 

-You need my help. Why?- 

-I don't know how I can censor them properly. I'll have to change some events a bit and a few things we wrote and I think that you'll know how to do it.- Jared laughed

-Oh my god. Sure man, whatever. I, the king of bullshitting and making stuff up, will help you, poor unfortunate soul.-

-Thank you, Jared. This means a lot to me.- Jared turned away

-Alright, alright. I'll go easy on you this time because you are sad, but don't ever get touchy feely with me. Clear? I have a reputation to defend.- Evan smiled a bit. The smile faded too quickly, but for one second in that bad bad day, he felt calm. But, as already said, it didn't last long. 

 

Evan and Jared proceeded to rewrite the emails. Censoring all the boyfriend activities, all the declarations of feelings, adding discussions about girls. Jared wanted to add something about baseball, or sports in general, but Evan refused. 

-He hated baseball. He hated sports. I don't want to lie about who he was, I just want to change my role in his life.- 

They also had to make a selection. Evan and Connor had exchanged hundreds of emails and most of them were too personal to be modified. 

_ I don't know if Connor would like what I am doing, but I have to do something. For some reason I feel responsible for the Murphys. And Zoe… This evening I saw her… She had no idea what her brother was like. She had no idea how much Connor loved her.  _

 

_ I have to keep Connor’s memory alive.  _


	4. Illness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan shows the emails to the Murphys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank all of you for the comments, I love reading them.  
> In this chapter I wanted to explore Connor's mental illness... I based my descriptions both on personal experience and on research... I hope it makes sense...
> 
> As always I apologise for any mistake and I'll correct every one I find.

A few days passed and Heidi, without any apparent reason, asked Evan to have a chat with her. When Evan got downstairs and sat on the couch he noticed that his mother looked very worried. She spoke like she was trying to hide her concern.

-Sweetie, I’m so sorry that we hadn’t seen each other that much this week, but you know that I’m really busy… I promise I’ll try to be more present… But there’s something I wanted to discuss with you: I heard that a kid at school had killed himself.- It was like an alarm had gone off inside Evan’s head, he clenched his fists and held his breath. 

-Yeah… I know.- he spoke mechanically. Heidi nodded and caressed Evan’s hands

-Oh, I was sure of that… I wanted to know how you are doing.-  _ What? How I am doing? Why would she want to know…? _

-How  _ I  _ am doing?- Evan hoped that he didn’t sound anxious

-Yes, of course, Sweetie. It’s a really tragic event and I know the shock can be quite terrible. Did you know this Connor? I saw that he signed your cast.- she looked at her son with such pity in her eyes. Evan couldn’t take it. 

-No. No, I didn’t know him. The signature on my cast is not his.- Evan felt a lump in his throat. Having to lie about it hurt more than he expected. Heidi looked relieved though, he was convincing enough. 

-Oh, ok. But… Promise me that if anything happens or if you need help for anything, you’ll call me, ok? Even if I am not home, I have always time to talk with you. Promise me.-  _ She’s asking me the same thing I asked Connor. She’s afraid that I might do the same. Could I? I thought about it even before Connor… Would I now? Would I kill myself, as he did? _

-Yes, I promise.- Evan said quickly and then asked permission to go back to his room, leaving Heidi alone, no less worried than before. 

  
  


The next day at school Evan was cornered by Zoe. She looked as pissed as she was when he had dinner at her house. 

-My parents want you to come again for dinner. Any day of this week is fine, they are always free.- Evan couldn’t say he was surprised, Cynthia seemed in desperate need of something to hold on to and he was a living reminder of her son. 

-I… I… Sure… I am free Thursday, is that ok?- Evan couldn’t stop his slight stutter. Zoe scoffed and rolled her eyes

-Yes, Thursday is fine I guess. You should try to be calmer when you talk to others.-

-I’m sorry, but… It’s… It’s not that easy…- He started fidgeting with his hands and he could feel a trembling feeling in his chest.

-Why not? It’s just talking, people do it all the time. You should be used by now, you’re not a toddler.- she sounded annoyed.  _ She’s the one that is making fun of me, and she sounds like I am bugging her. Connor told me that his family never listened to him when he spoke about his mental health. I didn’t realise how that could feel for him until now.  _

-I have anxiety.- Evan managed to say. It came out more firm than his previous sentences. Zoe narrowed her eyes and raised an eyebrow

-You feel anxious? Really, that’s your excuse? It’s nothing you can’t control.-  _ Oh, for fuck’s sake!  _ Evan felt his cheeks heat up, the anxiety that he felt rising just moments before, was now accompanied by anger.

-I said I have anxiety. As in “anxiety disorder”. It’s not an excuse and it’s not something that I can control that easily. Connor knew that and he understood me. Sorry, I have to go.- Evan stormed off and barely heard Zoe expressing her confusion on what he just said. He ran into a bathroom and tried to calm himself there.  _ Breathe in… aaaand breathe out… Breathe in… aaaand breathe out… _

 

_ -I’m sorry babe, I don’t feel like going out today…- Connor’s voice was hoarse like he had just woke up, at two pm. But he was trying to sound more awake than he actually was, he was trying to not make Evan worry.  _

_ -No… I… I get it… I didn’t call for that… I was just worried… Did you get up today? Even just to go to the bathroom?- there were a few moments of silence, Evan knew that Connor was deciding whether to lie or not. _

_ -No.- he admitted _

_ -Connor… You know better than me that’s not good… Do you feel like you are getting bad again?-  _

_ -Yes. I’m sorry, Evan.- he sounded genuinely ashamed. Evan’s voice softened _

_ -Connor you don’t have to apologise. You don’t ever have to apologise for this. It’s not your fault, it’s an illness, like any other. Do you apologise when you get a cold? No. And you shouldn't apologise when you have a depressive phase. You just have to be patient, until you get better, and let people help you, ok?- Evan felt sobbing through the phone -Connor? Connor, are you alright?-  _

_ -I… I... - he tried to speak while crying -Thank you, Evan… I…- Evan felt his chest tighten while he heard Connor cry.  _

_ -Why… Why are you thanking me?- he asked, confused _

_ -Thank you… for… not judging… for saying that… that… I can get better… I feel… I feel like… a burden...a burden to my family...- he said in between sobs and whines -But you… you make me feel… wanted… right... - Evan was too shocked to respond right away. He listened to Connor softly repeating “thank you” over and over.  _

_ -Shh. Connor, listen to me, try to breathe slowly. Shhh. It’s alright, everything it’s alright, I’m here for you okay. Of course, you are wanted, of course. You are wanted and loved. You have never been a burden and never will be, understood? You are great just like this. And I love you, I love you so much. Don’t ever forget that.- _

_ -Okay… Thank… Thank you…-  _

_ -I’m here for you, it’s my job as your boyfriend, no? Now, please promise me you’ll drink at least a glass of water. And you have to open the blinds, just a little bit.- _

_ -How do you know they are closed?- Connor was surprised _

_ -Because I know that you keep them closed when you feel like this, now open them, even just a little. You have to let the sun come streaming in. It will better your mood, believe me.- Evan heard the sound of the blinds being opened _

_ -Thank you, Evan. You always know how to help me. I love you.-  _

_ -I love you too.-  _

 

While he waited for the day of the dinner, Evan kept rewriting emails with the help of Jared. He kept thinking about his conversation with Zoe and he was well aware that Connor’s family never understood his illness. 

-Jared?- he called, still a bit absorbed in his thoughts

-Yes, Loser?- 

-I want to keep an email that we discarded.- 

-What? Did you choose to out your boyfriend just like this, out of the blue? Not that I’m not up for it, I would pay a million dollar to see the face of his good, suburban parents reacting to that news, but, are you sure you want to?- Jared joked trying to hide his genuine worry

-No… No… I don’t want to “out” Connor… I want to keep an email where we talked about his depression… His family never understood that side of him… They never believed that he had an illness, they just believed he was a junkie.- Evan said

-Aaaand he wasn’t?- asked Jared carefully

-No! He was much more than that. The addiction… He was getting better… He was clean...- Jared bit his tongue

-Fuck, sorry. I didn’t mean to…- Evan interrupted him

-No, it’s fine. I know.- he sounded like he had given up. Jared felt more guilty than ever. He quickly started to scroll through the emails on his computer

-Uhm… Here. I found… Ten emails that could fit your purpose, I guess… There’s a ton of other, but they are a bit too personal… If you want a quick “fix-it”, these are the emails for you!- Jared said with his usual happy voice. Evan smiled weakly

-Thank you, Jared. I’ll work on these myself, you can disconnect.- 

 

Evan was again in front of the Murphys’ house, this time with a few printed emails in his hands. Just two of those emails were pretty much the same as when they were written, the others were a collage of bits and pieces carefully put together to create the most generic exchanges possible. No mention of the details of Evan and Connor’s relationship, no mention of the words of love they said to each other, of the times they held each other for hours to find comfort, no mention of their kisses and their “I love you”. No mention of what they meant to each other. Evan felt like what was left in those emails didn’t describe them, but someone else. People they didn’t know. He knew that it was necessary, but it still felt like butchering Connor’s memory. At that moment, while he waited for someone to open the door, he felt no better than all those kids that said how much they missed Connor even if they never said a word to him. 

 

Cynthia Murphy opened the door like the other night and greeted Evan with a big fake smile, like the other night.  _ Maybe this is useless. Maybe this is just gonna be a re-run of the other night. I will change nothing.  _

-Come in! I’m so happy to see you Evan. We are all very happy…- Evan entered and sat at the table. Connor’s jacket wasn’t on the hanger anymore and his shoes weren’t by the door. Only the family photos were still there. 

-I… I brought something this time…- said Evan a bit insecure.  _ I hope this will help. Please, make it work.  _ Cynthia was startled, she tried to awkwardly hide her surprise.

-Oh. You… You shouldn’t have, dear…- 

-No. No, this is important. I printed a few of the emails Connor and I exchanged. I thought… I thought that maybe you would have liked to read Connor’s words directly instead of just hearing me describing… I hope it’s okay for you…- He was suddenly so nervous. He thought about how Mrs Muprhy was feeling in that moment. If he were in her place… He didn’t know how he would have reacted. Someone offering something so personal, something so important for Connor… Cynthia started crying. Silently weeping like she just allowed herself to let go fo her facade. 

-Oh. Oh, dear… Thank you, thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me… Thank you so much…- She hugged Evan tightly while still chanting “thank you”. Larry had just come out of the kitchen and witnessed the whole scene. He just stood there, petrified. His wife hugged him too and showed him the emails.    
-Look, Larry, we have something Connor wrote, thanks to Evan!- Mr Murphy just blinked and looked confused

-Yeah. Thank you, Evan… Now, sit it’s time for dinner.- he spoke without any emotion in his voice, drained of almost any energy. 

 

Zoe arrived downstairs for dinner and Mrs Murphy showed her the emails.

-Oh is that so? Evan brought us the emails they exchanged?- her voice was full of sarcasm

-Yes, look. This was very nice of Evan.-

-Yeah, truly nice.- Zoe responded. Evan lowered his head and tried to ignore her.  _ Why is she acting like this? Did I do something to her? _

-Evan, dear, the other night you said that you and Connor often went to the countryside, right? Did he ever bring you to the apple orchard where we used to go?- asked Cynthia without noticing her daughter’s attitude. Evan smiled politely and nodded

-Connor loved that place. It was our favourite spot…- Zoe interrupted him

-Connor hated it.-  _ No, I’m not gonna let her do this. She wants to hate me? Fine. But act like she knew Connor better than me when she didn’t want to speak to him? No, I can’t accept this.  _

-No, Connor doesn’t hate the orchard.- Evan clenched his jaw -He didn’t. He didn’t hate the orchard.- he corrected -When he was little, yes. He told me that he would often behave badly because he didn’t want to go, but he also told me that once you arrived he actually enjoyed his time there. He always said that the best memories he had of his family, of you, he made them there. That’s why we often went there, it was a peaceful place for him, even if now it’s abandoned.- he didn’t raise his gaze from the table but he still managed to intimidate Zoe. She just gaped like she wanted to respond, but eventually closed her mouth. They barely spoke for the rest of the dinner. 

 

Once they cleaned the table, everybody sat in the living room to read the letters. Evan didn’t even pay attention through most of them, the fake ones. Cynthia made a few comments and Larry just nodded without ever speaking. Zoe rolled her eyes most of the time. Then Cynthia started to read one of the letters that Evan added last

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ I don’t think that this email will be very long, because I feel like I can’t say much on this topic. I know you wanted to know about how I feel during my depressive phases… Sometimes the feeling is similar to anxiety, I’ll start with this because I know that you can understand that. The feeling of having no hope in the future because everything will go wrong and also the feeling of being an absolute failure that will ruin their own present and future like they ruined their past… But there’s more… I don’t know if I have the words to describe it… I know that many feel like drowning, and yes, it’s kinda true. But more than “drowning” I would say “overflowing”. Overflowing with feelings. There’s just too much going on the same time, too much noise, too many thoughts, too many feelings. I feel it in all my body. And it hurts. It’s not the same pain as a wound, though. It feels…. It feels like it comes from within. Like the trembling in the chest when you have a panic attack. God, I hope that what I wrote is understandable… Maybe it would be better to discuss this in person, you are very good at guessing what I’m trying to say… Maybe we should go to the orchard? I feel like I’d be more comfortable talking about this there…  _

_ Sincerely, me.  _

 

Cynthia put down the letter without saying a word. A few moments of silence passed. 

-What the hell was that?- said Mr Murphy suddenly. Evan was afraid to respond.  _ This was a mistake. He’s clearly angry. This was a bad mistake.  _

-Evan, dear…- tried to say Cynthia, but her husband interrupted her 

-No, Cynthia. Now you tell ME. What the hell was that? All this talk about non-sense…- Evan found the courage to speak

-It’s Connor’s words. It’s how he described his illness to me.- Larry seemed furious now

-Connor wasn’t ill. He was in perfectly good shape. The only problem he had was that he was a damned junkie and a complete failure at school, a disappointment sure, but not ill.-

-Larry! Don’t talk about him like that!- said Mrs Murphy, clearly hurt

-Don’t pretend it isn’t true! He never cared about what we did for him, he just cared about himself! He threw away his life without thinking about us!- Evan wanted to disappear.  _ This is not good. It’s all my fault. What have I done? I messed up. _

-Connor isn’t a junkie, Mr Murphy.-  _ Fuck, I don’t want to correct myself again.  _ -He was getting clean.- 

-Right. Then why he died?- retorted Mr Murphy. Evan couldn’t believe his ears. Everyone knew. They even talked about it on the news. Everyone knew.  _ Does he…? Does he not believe that Connor killed himself? He is so in denial of Connor’s mental health that he doesn’t want to accept that he killed himself? He prefers to keep thinking that he was just a junkie. He prefers thinking that he just died of an overdose.  _

-Connor killed himself.- Evan swallowed the lump he felt in his throat -Connor killed himself.- he repeated -Because he suffered from depression, a mental illness, and didn’t ask for help. He never asked for help. Because no one believed him. No one paid attention to him. Too caught up in belittling him or making him feel worthless or forcing things on him that he didn’t like. He never liked baseball, he never liked sports in general. He wasn’t a “damned junkie”, he was a recovering addict. And if ever bother to ask, or to care, you would know why he was an addict in the first place.-  _ My anger… It gave confidence I never had. I just responded to Mr Murphy. And I insulted him. Shit. What the hell have I done? I am so stupid, so stupid.  _

-How dare…- started Mr Murphy before his wife interrupted him. She was holding back tears

-Evan… You know all of this about Connor… You know why he started doing drugs?- Evan took a deep breath.  _ Mrs Murphy isn’t mad. I can talk to her. _

-He was trying to cope with his illness. The drugs made the pain and the worries go away… People with anxiety or depression are often more likely to get addicted… Because drugs or alcohol seem like an easy solution, especially if you feel like you can’t ask help… But Connor… He realised that he needed help. He went to support groups… He asked medical help… He was getting clean. He had been clean for months. He hoped that you would notice. He hoped that you would be proud of him.- 

 

_ -Thank you for agreeing to come here again.- said Connor while the sat on the grass _

_ -I like this place, too. You are right, it’s peaceful.-  _

_ -Of course, I am always right.- Connor laughed _

_ -Connor… If you don’t want to talk about your depression it’s fine. We can just enjoy this sunny day. I don’t think less of you or something like that… I understand that it is very personal…- Connor lowered his head _

_ -No, I want to talk about it. So that you can understand better. I don’t do the things I do because I suddenly don’t like you or I find you annoying… It’s just my head… And I want you to know what to do when I feel like this... - Connor raised his head again and looked at Evan straight in the eyes  _

_ -Ok, if it’s what you want, it’s okay.- Evan smiled softly and held Connor’s hand _

_ -Most of the days I can go on with my life without any problem. I still feel the anxiety, I’m sure you get that, but it’s more subdued… But sometimes I go through months of pain… I feel always tired, my head always hurts… I hate the light and I can’t get out of bed… I lose interest in everything… I just feel like garbage. I don’t hate the world, I hate myself. Because I’m worthless. I’m just a burden to everyone. I’m not good enough, not smart enough… I’m not enough… I’m just a freak and a mistake…- Evan hugged Connor out of instinct _

_ -Connor, love, you are wonderful. I know how it is when you feel like this. I know how it hurts. I know. But I also know that you are not all of those things… You are a good person, you are smart, you are kind… You are not a burden. I am lucky to be here with you. And I love you, so much. You have to promise me if something happens, if you feel like this, call me. Talk to me. Ask for help. Don’t ever try to fight the darkness alone, because you are not alone. Tell me what could help you and I will do anything for you. Promise me that you will always ask for help.- Evan caressed Connor’s cheek _

_ -I do. I promise.- Evan kissed him sweetly, trying to make him feel all of his love.  _

 

Zoe looked like she couldn’t keep staying there.

-That’s enough! You are acting like Connor was a great person! Like he was some kind of perfect kid, but he wasn’t! He never talked to me! Never! He never cared! The only conversation I can remember was when he banged on my door and screamed that he was going to kill me!- Zoe stormed off and Cynthia tried to follow her, but her husband held her back. Mrs Murphy then turned to Evan.

-I… I’m so sorry Evan…- Evan shook his head. 

-It’s fine. I have to go anyway… Thank you again for inviting me…- Evan got up and started to leave. 

-No, thank you for the emails. It’s like you brought Connor back to us…-  _ Oh, I wish I could.  _

Evan got out and waited for a bit on the porch.  _ Zoe… Of course, she was so angry… She only remembers that time… Connor was so ashamed… But Zoe has no idea.  _

_ I will help Zoe know her brother.  _


	5. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks to Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is! The new chapter!  
> I should be able to go back to a somewhat normal posting schedule now... 
> 
> As always, comments are really appreciated and always welcome.
> 
> I will correct any mistakes I can find and I apologise for my English

Evan was talking on Skype with Jared. Lately he had been very kind to him, probably out of pity, he thought. The truth was that Jared was worried for Evan: he was a lonely kid and a loss of that proportion was something hard to handle on your own. Jared knew that people grieving need support and company. And Evan… Well he already had a mental illness and Jared feared that he could develop other problems too. He felt the need to keep an eye on him. 

-Hey, Jared, you okay?- asked Evan suddenly 

-Uhm…- Jared had zoned out for a second -Sure, yeah… Wait, YOU are asking ME if I am okay? You. I think that between the two of us, you are the one that should be asked this question.- Jared forced a little chuckle 

Evan smiled -So you are asking me if I am okay?- Jared looked panicked for a moment

-NO. No, of course not. Why would I do that, Loser?- then he recomposed himself -But just pretend that I did ask, what would you respond?-

Evan lowered his head and thought for a second. _Am I okay? No. Not at all. I still feel broken. But I have a purpose, something to distract me from my pain. I think that's good. And I am talking to at least one person, that's good too. I'm not isolating myself, I'm not letting myself drown in my pain._  

-I can't say that I am okay. I know I won't be for a while, but I think that's normal. I can say that I'm trying to not focus just on being sad and all… I am trying. But… It won't be a quick recovery… I lost a really important part of my life after all…- Evan looked again at the screen -Is… Is this answer good enough for you?-

Jared nodded seriously -It's more than I hoped for… Just, don't give up, okay?-

-Okay.-

-Moving on from this sad, sad conversation… Do you really think you are ready to face Zoe Murphy? Judging from what you've told me, she is really really pissed at you.-

Evan breathed deeply -Well… She is pissed because she thinks I'm lying… Her memory of Connor is pretty different from mine, but I think that if I just explain to her how Connor is really like, maybe she could understand his behaviour a little bit better… Am I ready to talk to her? No, I'm not. I'm terrified. But I have to do it, for her and for Connor. 

-Okay, I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. Just… Be careful with all of this. It is not your responsibility to fix his family, to heal them, to take away their grief or resentment. Don't wear yourself out because of this sense of duty you feel, alright Loser?-

Evan was startled. That had to be the most serious that Jared that ever been with him -Al… Alright.-

-Well, see you soon Loser. I'm out!- replied Jared, in his usual tone before ending the call. 

Evan sat for a while in his room thinking. _Two weeks. Two weeks since I lost Connor. The weirdest thing is that everything just… Goes on. The world does not care that Connor is gone. Time still goes by and I still have to go through my routine. Even if nothing feels real. There's this huge Connor shaped hole in my life, but everything just goes on. Do the Murphys feel this way too? Does Zoe feel this way too? Or does she just go on like the rest of the world? Does she wake up thinking that she has to check if Connor has already woke up and then remembers? Does she almost call him to ask something? Does she knock on his door when dinner is ready? Or does she simply go on like he never existed? That is one of Connor’s greatest fear. That his family would simply forget him. But it clearly isn't like that. They all miss him in their own way. They are just processing his loss in different ways. And how am I processing it? Am I doing this right? Is there even a right way to do this?_

Evan felt the urge to talk with his mother, to explain everything to her and ask for her advice. He got up and walked to his door, but before he opened it he remembered that his mother was at work. Right. Of course she wasn't home. She was never home. Even if she wanted to help him, how could she? 

 

The next day at school Evan searched for Zoe. When he found her though, she was talking with a group of friends. Evan didn't feel confident enough to talk to her, let alone talk to her in front of her friends. _Shit. What do I do now? I can always wait…_

 

Zoe noticed him standing a few feet away. Nervous and insecure like when she had cornered him. -Hey, Hansen, do you need something?- Evan was about to go away when he heard her. He stopped dead in his tracks. _It's too late to go away now. Okay. Just go to her and try to ignore her friends. They will judge, they will laugh. But I have to do this._

-Yeah… I… I… I wanted to…- _Fuck. I can't even speak. This is not going well_. Evan heard one of Zoe’s friend giggle and lowered his head even more. He focused his gaze on the floor while he fidgeted with his hands. Zoe glared at her friend and lowered her head trying to get at the same level as Evan and spoke in a soft voice. 

-Hey, Hansen, it's okay. Whatever it is, don't worry. Take your time, I'm not in a hurry. Okay, here, try to press your palms on your thighs and breathe deeply. Good, very good. Now, try again. What do you need?-

_Why is she being so nice? She is actually helping me? The other day she was so annoyed and… She didn't believe what I said about my anxiety… And now she is showing patience with my awful social skills? What has changed? I don't understand._

-I wanted to talk more with you… About… About Connor… Without your parents… To… to… To explain everything…- Evan breathed out. _I did it! I managed to ask her! Even in front of her friends_! Zoe nodded and smiled. 

-Sure, I think it's a good idea. I want to hear what you have to say and I understand that with my parents you aren't free to talk… Alright. Can we go to your place? My parents are always home these days…- Zoe still spoke softly

-Yeah… Yeah… Sure, my mom is often away…- Evan bit his tongue. He shouldn't have talked about his mom. Zoe clearly noticed him wincing, but didn't comment on it

-Is today okay?- she asked

-Yes, today is okay.- Zoe smiled brightly

-Perfect, then I'll come by this afternoon.-

Evan nodded and went away still confused by Zoe’s change of attitude. 

 

_Evan opened his backdoor and was greeted by the sight of Connor crying desperately and shaking violently._

_-Oh God, Connor, what happened?- Evan tried to get closer to hug him, but he held up his hands to stop him_

_-No, no, please don't get closer!- he sounded panicked -Just don't get closer… I… I shouldn't have come here… But I… I did a terrible thing… I need help Evan. I need help. I'm dangerous. I… I… I don't want to hurt you… or Zoe… or my parents… I don't deserve you… I don't deserve them… I did a terrible thing… I need help…-_

_Evan wanted to hold him, to comfort him in some way, but he restrained himself._

_-Connor, you have to tell me what happened, I can't understand what you are talking about. I promise that I'll help you, but please you have to open up. You are not dangerous and I know you would never hurt me, please allow me to come closer.-_

 

That afternoon Evan waited anxiously for Zoe to show up. What if she doesn't come? What if she doesn't listen to me? What if I can't talk properly? What if she agreed just to make fun of me in front of her friends? No. No. Connor always said that she isn't the kind of girl that would just make fun of people. I trust Connor’s judgement. I just have to breathe slowly, concentrate and be honest. 

Finally Zoe arrived and stopped Evan’s overthinking. They sat in Evan’s room until Zoe broke the silence. 

-I want to apologise for my behaviour. The other day at school and last night at dinner I was very rude… I didn't want to believe you about Connor and I didn't listen to you when you told me about your anxiety… I'm truly sorry. After you left I thought about what you said about Connor being ill and needing help and everyone blaming his problems on his addiction… I've done some research… It's true that people with disorders like anxiety and depression are more likely to develop addiction. So I thought that maybe if you were right about that you could be right about the rest… It does make sense… I mean Connor did show symptoms of depression, I just didn't know how to recognise them… And I also did a research on anxiety… I’m sorry for judging you without knowing what kind of problem you really have… But I want to make it up to you. My memories of Connor are not the happiest, but I never even tried to understand why. I want to hear your version of the story, maybe it could change my point of view.- Zoe smiled weakly and looked at Evan with eyes full of hope. Evan breathed deeply. 

-Wow. Okay. I can do that. I mean… I want to do that. And I accept and appreciate your apology. Not many people apologise when they notice they didn't behave in the best way. I don't blame you by the way, I know that from your point of view it's difficult to believe what I say…- Evan sounded like he was just rambling and Zoe tried to stop him

-Hey, hey it's okay. Slow down.- she chuckled 

-Sorry…- he lowered his head

-No need to apologise. Okay, maybe it's better if I ask you a question and you start from that, sounds good?- Evan nodded -Well, then. You said that Connor started doing drugs because he was trying to cope with his illness, did you know him before the addiction?- Evan took a deep breath 

-No. He was already an addict when we met, but he tried to hide it from me at first. It didn't last long, he eventually told me and after a bad incident he asked me for help to stop.- he paused, unsure of what to say. He didn't know if it was better to be more specific or not. Zoe solved his dilemma by questioning him further. 

-What kind of incident?-

-It's the only conversation you said you remember… The drugs… A few caused him hallucinations… I don't know exactly what he took, he never told me… I think that most of the time he didn't even know what he took… Anyway, his hallucinations were usually just weird stuff, but then he started having some scary ones. I saw him one time while he was having one of those. I never saw anyone so terrified. One day he had a really bad one at home and didn't recognise you. That's why you remember him banging on your door and threatening you. He didn't know you were the one he was talking to. He came to me after he got back to reality and realised what had happened.-

 

_Evan had managed to bring Connor to a community centre. He still didn't want Evan to get close, but at least he told him what happened._

_-Connor, you know that you would never hurt Zoe…- said Evan trying to make eye contact with his friend. He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes_

_-Yes, I know Evan. It doesn't change the fact that I still put her in danger, because of my addiction… And I could put you in danger too or I could hurt you. You already had to call an ambulance for me twice. You can't say that I'm not in the wrong here. I know that I am. If I really don't want to be a danger for you, Zoe, my family and myself… I have to get better. We asked for help and there's a lot of free resources for mental health and addiction… I can get clean, I can get better, I can be better.- Evan looked at him in the eyes, Connor was more serious than ever._

_-Okay. Let me hold your hands. Nothing bad will happen if I just hold your hands.- said Evan reaching for Connor. He took Connor’s hands in his and stroke them softly. -Connor, I understand. I understand your fears and I understand why you want to get better and I am here for you. I know that you can get better, I am sure that you will. You will get clean and you will feel better. You have the strength to do it. I ask just one thing of you: don't do this alone. Let others help you, let me help you. I will be there for anything, just like you did for me. I'm not leaving you alone, but you have to let me in, okay? I truly care for you, you know?- Connor started tearing up. He hugged Evan as tightly as he could and answered him -Yes, I know. Thank you, thank you so much Evan. You have no idea how much this means to me… Your support… You believing in me… You are the most important person to me…- they stayed in silence for a bit and then Connor separated from Evan and added -Hey, you did that kickass pep talk without stuttering or pausing! That's great, Evan!- he smiled and without any warning kissed Evan’s cheek, leaving him shocked._

 

-So you were there with him when he started rehab? And he did it all on his own?- asked Zoe suddenly 

-Uhm… Yeah… I helped him get to the community center when he needed and I just helped him in general whatever he needed… It was around that time that we…- Evan interrupted himself

-That you what?- prompted Zoe looking at Evan confused

-Ah nothing… We started seeing each other more often. Yes… Before that day when he hit the bottom he had never showed up at my door… He… He was truly horrified by what he did.-

-But why didn't he try to explain himself? I just don't understand, if it was for the drugs and he was getting clean, why didn't he tell me?-

Evan took a deep breath -Connor… He… He never thought highly of himself… He thought that it was better for you to have an estranged brother instead of caring for someone who could always fall back into bad habits… Or… or well…- Evan swallowed the lump in his throat -Or hurt himself.- Zoe realised just then the implications of what Evan said

-Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have asked… I'm so sorry…-

Evan held back his tears -No, it's fine. Really… We can't avoid the subject forever, can't we?- he faked a little laugh

-Thank you. Thank you, Evan. For everything you've done for my brother and for talking with me today… I just wish I knew all of this before…- silence fell between them once again and Zoe got ready to leave. Just before she went out Evan said one last thing

-Connor… Connor didn't do all of that thanks to me… It was all his doing… The rehab, the therapy… He did it. I was merely a support.-

 

That night Evan laid in his bed thinking again about Connor. _I did it Connor. I talked to your sister._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I am back from the dead!  
> I am so sorry for my absence, but I had a few problems... None of which have been resolved, but I couldn't stand staying away from writing anymore.  
> I never had to restrain from writing for this long and I was really really unhappy about it...  
> Anyway, I am back and I intend to not let my problems stop me


	6. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to the Murphys' house to talk again with Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Not really sure about this one... I am afraid it doesn't make any sense... I'm actually thinking it might be best to rewrite it... Let me know what you think!  
> I appreciate that you still read the story even if I disappeared for all this time...  
> Comments are always welcome!
> 
> As always, I will correct any mistake I can find and I apologize for my English.

Evan continued giving emails to the Murphys, one or two per week. Larry Murphy, however, ignored him most of the time. He still wasn’t convinced by the stories he told about Connor. Zoe was more and more curious every day. She asked him to meet again to talk some more. This time at her house. 

 

-Okay, I don’t think I get the problem. She wants to talk about Connor, know more about the real him. And she invited you to her house. It’s nothing unusual… You’ve been more times there than at your own home these days… Why would it be more difficult this time around?- Jared raised his eyebrows in question. Evan looked away from the screen

-Her parents won’t be home. She wants me to see Connor’s room.- he explained with a deadpan expression. Jared’s eyes widened in realisation

-Oh. Oh shit. Okay… Uhm… You said you’ve been there right? One time?- he asked. Evan just nodded, without looking at him

-Well… The positive thing is that you don’t have a lot of memories there… It should hurt less than, say, going to the apple orchard... But… It is his room… Fuck… I honestly don’t know how to help you with this. I’ve never been in a similar situation… Didn’t she ask you if you were ready? For something like this?- 

-She is. From her point of view, why wouldn’t I be? I’m just his friend right?- whispered Evan

-Bullshit. Even if you were just his friend, and we know you weren’t, everyone has different reactions to grief. She can’t just assume that you are ready…- 

-Zoe didn’t consider the implications of showing me Connor’s room. That’s the point… I can’t just… Never show up. I promised I’d talk to her… and if she wants to go to her house, I’ll do that. I guess that… The problem is… If I enter Connor’s room… I don’t think that… I don’t think that I will be able to hide the truth any longer… At least not from her…- Evan went silent and Jared thought for a second. 

-So… You are saying that… You are going to “out” Connor to Zoe?- 

-I think that I will.- 

-Evan… I hope everything will be okay… I seriously do, man…- said Jared 

-No “Loser” this time?- asked Evan absent-mindedly

-No, no “Loser”.- Jared smiled weakly

 

_ Evan picked up the phone right away _

_ -Connor? Hi! How did it go?- he asked excitedly. Connor chuckled _

_ -Well… I won the contest!-  _

_ -Oh my God! That’s great!- exclaimed Evan _

_ -I’m amazing I know…- joked Connor _

_ -Connor, love, we need to celebrate! This is important! You first recognition!- _

_ -Uhm… Celebrate… And how would you like to celebrate?- asked Connor in a teasing voice.  _

_ -Uhm… I… I don’t know… Uhm… We… We could…If you...- he tried to respond, before Connor came to his rescue _

_ -Babe, don’t worry: I was just teasing you… I hoped you would’ve liked to do something couple-y… Like… a proper date… What do you say?- Connor's voice seemed cheerful, but Evan noticed a bit of worry in his tone. Almost as if he was unsure of Evan’s answer.  _

_ -Of course, Connor! I’d love to!- he giggled and barely heard Connor sigh in relief before he covered that up _

_ -Do you have to be this goddamn adorable all the time?-  _

 

For the first time since Evan started going regularly to the Murphys’ house, Zoe opened the door.

-Hi! So glad you are here. Thank you for accepting my invite!- she smiled brightly.

-Uhm… Thank you for inviting me.- he said and she gestured for him to enter

-Come in, we can sit in the living room.- once they sat down, Evan spoke

-So… Is there anything in particular you wanted to ask me?- Zoe suddenly seemed very nervous

-I… Uhm… I was curious about a thing you said during one of our dinners… You mentioned that Connor was getting better and that he had plans for the future… I was wondering…- 

-What I meant, right? Well… One important part of Connor’s plan for getting better involved changing his life: therapy and rehab were just the first steps. Then he had to start visualising his future… See, his illnesses… His depression and anxiety… They narrowed his point of view: in the worst times, he couldn’t see any light. Like all the positivity was sucked out of his life.- Zoe interrupted him

-Do you mean that he could forget anything good in his life? Even your friendship? I thought that was one of his strengths…-  _ Oh, no. I don’t want to discuss this.  _  Evan swallowed and took a deep breath

-Uhm… Not forget, but… He… He remembered our friendship and his family, but… He thought that he wasn’t worthy or that everyone was better off without him… The point is that most of the time he couldn’t even imagine becoming an adult. His perspective in his life was what needed to change. Instead of seeing himself as a worthless junkie who was destined to die young, Connor needed to see what he was capable of. He got a summer job and proved himself that he could take responsibilities. He became friends with a girl he worked with, Emily, and expanded his social circle. He started considering what he could do after high school. He decided he wanted to go to college, study, get a nice job, live a normal life.- Zoe seemed surprised

-Wow. He did all of that? Connor? I mean, I still don’t understand much about his illness, but all of this seems huge for him… Wait, you said that he befriended a girl at work? Does she know what happened to him? Was she… Was she his girlfriend?-  _ Oh, Emily… She doesn’t know and definitely not his girlfriend… _

-Emily… She… She died last year. Their friendship, while very important to Connor, only lasted a few months. And no, they were not together… Emily was a lesbian.-

-Oh. She died last year… Was it around February? I remembered that Connor refused to sleep at home for about a week and showed up only to pick up the stuff he needed for school… Mum and dad thought he was in trouble with a dealer or something like that…- 

-No… He was grieving… He slept at my house or at a motel… He was quite crushed.- 

-Wait, he slept at your house? So your mother knew you were friends?- asked Zoe

-No, she… She often works at night, so Connor could sleep over without her noticing.- 

-Was he afraid that she wouldn’t let you two be friends?-  _ He was terrified. He was still more afraid of his father than my mum… I kept thinking that maybe… Maybe one day we could at least tell my mom. _

-Yes, very much. But now it doesn’t matter anymore, right?- Evan lowered his head. Zoe scooped closer and put a hand on his shoulder. He instinctively flinched and Zoe retracted her hand.

-I’m sorry… It’s still hard for you… Why don’t we talk about something else? Uhm… Did you ever talk about me?- she asked trying to sound less nervous than she actually was

-Yes. Yes, he loved to talk about you. His awesome little sister!- 

-Did he? Really?-

-Of course. He was very proud of you. He kept saying how good you are at playing the guitar and how kind you are to everyone and how your smile could turn anyone’s day around. He always said he wished you could be like that around him… But his fear of himself always prevented him from getting closer…- Evan interrupted himself -But he loved you very much.- 

Zoe took a moment to process everything

-I... I wish things went in a different way… If only I tried to talk to him… Set things right…-  _ No, no, Zoe. Don’t do this to yourself. If there’s anyone to blame… That’s me. I was the only one who knew what he was going through and I couldn’t help him…  _

-Zoe, don’t feel guilty about this. His habit to shut people out was not your fault. He did that to me too... -

-To you? I thought you were very close…- Evan interrupted her before she could continue. He felt himself heat up and could barely speak

-Please… Please… Don’t… Let’s… Let’s go upstairs alright? I can show you a few things… I mean you, you can show me a few things…-  _ Great idea Evan. Let’s move from a painful conversation to a painful place… Genius.  _

-Uhm… Sure…- 

 

Connor’s room was more full of memories than Jared thought. Obviously, there were his clothes, his books, his personal possessions. Evan feared to enter that room. Not only for the still present scent of Connor but for the memories he had there. The one time he came over, the late night calls, the skype study sessions and the photographs. The ones in sight were mostly landscapes but hidden here and there were their photographs. Their dates, their birthday celebrations, all the activities they did together. 

-I know that you would expect my brother’s room to be pretty messy, but… He actually cleaned it a lot in the last few months…- said Zoe when she opened the door

-Cleaning his room cleared his mind. It was his way of forcing himself to get better. Tidying up his thought by tidying up his stuff... - Evan responded almost mechanically 

-Oh. Well, come in. It will be a kind of first for both of us… Last time I’ve been in here was… a few years ago. I didn’t want anything to do with him until very recently…- Zoe barely stepped into the room and looked around -I did expect it to be messier… Probably I always thought that I would find knives on the desk and joints on the bed…- 

Evan closed his eyes and breathed deeply.  _ You can do this. You can’t run away from this forever, right?  _ He stepped in.  _ It’s all still here. It’s like… It feels like he will be back soon…  _ Evan felt his chest trembling and his heartbeat speed up. It was like he was having a panic attack, only that he didn’t feel anxious he just felt like crying. But no tears came out. 

Zoe tried to hide her nervousness by talking. 

-You know, I never expected his room to be so full of photographs… I mean I know he had a camera, but I never saw him use it… And these… Do you know if he took them? These are amazing! Evan? Evan, are you alright?- Evan just nodded, tried to breathe slowly and respond in the calmest voice possible

-Yeah, he took them… He brought that camera everywhere… He decided he wanted to be a photographer. A professional photographer for a big magazine…- 

 

_ -Date night at the place you work at, uh? I’m not complaining, I just think it’s funny… Aren’t you sick of this place after being here all week?- asked Evan smiling brightly. Connor laughed _

_ -I thought I’d be… Every adult I know always complains about work… But… I decided I like it. I have a purpose, something to concentrate my energy on and… Doing things right gives me confidence.- Evan chuckled _

_ -So what you are trying to say is that you are the best waiter here? Then it’s a shame you are not working tonight! The service will be terrible!- he joked and Connor laughed. It was nice seeing him so relaxed _

_ -I like it when you make jokes… You are funnier than you think, Evan… And no, the service will be amazing because we are in Emily’s sector.-  _

_ -Oh, wait, Emily’s here? Where is she? I want to meet her! Did you tell her I’d be here? Did you tell her about the photography contest?-  _

_ -Okay, Evan, relax. First of all, she is right behind you.- he said waving slightly at the girl behind Evan -Secondly, now she definitely knows you are here, and lastly, she knows about the contest and he is very proud of me, right?- the girl smiled  _

_ -Oh yes, I am. Queer solidarity! Anyway, nice to meet you, Evan, I’m Emily, I’ve heard so much about you.- she shook his hand _

_ -And so did I? Have you seen Connor’s work? It’s amazing!-  _

_ -Yeah, it really is… He is going places.-  _

 

-Evan? Evan, you are crying! I’m sorry is this too much for you? I should’ve known…- Evan sobbed and tried to dry up his face with the sleeve of his shirt

-No, no, it’s fine. Just… A trip down memory lane… I miss him a lot… And remembering all the plan he had for the future… It hurts… But it’s normal. Hurting isn’t always bad and tears… Tears are necessary sometimes… Don’t worry.- 

-So he wanted to be a photographer, uh? That’s really cool… So you had seen his work before? It’s really amazing.- she tried to deviate the conversation a bit

-Yes, he showed me his work. He even won a contest… He was very happy… We also took a lot of photos together… He said he would have liked to have one of every day we spent together…- Evan smiled despite the tears.

-You took pictures together? But these are all naturalistic…- she started asking. Evan simply walked over to the closet and opened it. Inside the doors were covered in photographs of them together. Zoe was shocked and confused

-Oh. Wow… Wait. You knew they were there? How?- 

-I’ve been here once… Just once… When you weren’t home, Connor invited me. It was a nice day…- Evan felt a new wave of tears coming while Zoe looked at the photos. The orchard, a few hiking trips, dates out of town, quiet days at Evan’s house, going to therapy, work, activities with Emily, studying sessions, filling college application, the premiation for the photography contest, their first and only pride together with Emily. Two and a half years. All there. 

-This girl is Emily, right? And these… You… Wait…- Zoe grew more and more confused and pointed at the photos. Evan sobbed again and started crying harder, whimpering desperately. 

-We… We were… together…- he was interrupted by a sob -I’m sorry… I couldn’t tell you… I’m sorry…-  _ I said it. I said it. _ Evan felt like a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders, but at the same time, he couldn’t breathe. It was all too much for him. Zoe quickly overcame her shock and tried to help him.  

-Okay. Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay Evan, it’s okay. You did nothing wrong… I’m not mad. See? I’m not mad. Just try to breathe slowly. I get it. It’s a huge secret and you couldn’t let it out. It’s okay. You let it out. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna tell anyone if you don’t want to. It’s none of my business. I shouldn’t have made come in here… I didn’t think it could be such a shock for you. It was my mistake.- she spoke in a soft voice and rubbed his back. Evan eventually stepped away, muttered an apology and sad he had to go before leaving the house. 

  
  
  


Evan woke up in the middle of the night, crying and breathing heavily. He had dreamed of Connor. He had dreamed of the future they couldn't have together, of all the things they wanted to do. It felt so real. He could almost feel the warmth of Connor’s body. He wanted to hold him so badly.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't stop crying. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It hurts so much.  _

 

Heidi ran into the room and turned on the lights

-Evan, sweetie, what happened? Why are you crying? Did you have a bad dream? A panic attack? Did you hurt yourself?- Evan couldn’t respond. He felt wave after wave of pain hit him

-No, no… It’s okay mum… I just… need to calm down…- 

-Wait here, I’m getting you a glass of water…- 

-No, no, stay here… I need… to tell you something…- 


	7. Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets to talk to Heidi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this sooner, but I was really busy with school... Anyway I did it.   
> This is literally just Evan and Heidi. I wanted to write something that gave her more space because she's been pretty much absent up until this point and that's unforgivable.
> 
> So, comments are appreciated and always welcome, feedback is really important. 
> 
> I apologize for any mistake I might have made, English is not my first language. Still, I will correct any mistake I find.

Heidi hugged her son as tightly as she could. She knew that something was wrong with him lately, she could  _ see _ it, she could  _ feel _ it. But as a mother, she knew she had to give Evan space, she couldn’t force him to speak if he didn’t feel like it. So, she waited for him to be ready, hoping he would not implode. 

Heidi stroke Evan’s hair gently

-I’m here for you, Sweetie. Tell me anything, I’ll always be here for you.- Evan sobbed into his mother’s chest, breathed deeply and raised his head, still not looking at her in the eyes.

-I lied to you.- he said breathlessly. Heidi searched his face in confusion

-What do you mean you lied to me? What did you lie about?- her voice didn’t sound angry, it sounded worried.  _ I really don’t deserve you, mum. I doubt you all the time because you are never home, but you are just always good to me. Even when I disappoint you. _

-I… You asked me… If I knew that boy, Connor…- Evan had to pause for a moment.  _ How do I phrase this right? I can’t just… I can’t just say it, can’t I? _

-Connor Murphy, the boy who killed himself? You knew him? Did he bully you?- 

-No! No! He didn’t bully me! He was… He was kind to me… He was nice… We were…- Evan was struggling with the words. Heidi was used to it, she knew that speaking wasn’t always easy for Evan. So, like always, she tried to guess what he was trying to say.

-You were friends?-

-No. I mean, yes. But, no…- he blurted out and covered his face with his hands. Heidi caressed his shoulder

-It’s okay Evan, talk at your own speed, with your own words.- she said in a reassuring voice

-We knew each other. We cared for each other. And now… He’s gone. And… And I miss him very much…- he managed to say while his voice cracked and tears ran down his cheeks. He felt his mother’s arms wrap around him once again. He welcomed the touch like it was rain after a drought. He missed contact. His mother was never home, Jared talked to him only via Skype and Connor wasn’t there with him anymore. He didn’t realise how much comfort physical contact could bring until that moment. Even if he didn’t tell all the truth yet, that hug felt liberating. It felt like his mother was conveying all her love in that simple gesture. 

-Oh, Sweetie. I’m so so sorry. I don’t really know how close you were, but I guess that you are going through a hard time… Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you sooner… Hell, I would’ve liked to know you had a friend beside Jared. He’s a nice boy, but you know I always wished you made more friends…-

-I know, I know… I didn’t tell you because… I was scared… And then when I could tell you, it didn’t matter anymore… And then it felt like I waited too long…-

-Evan, I can’t follow what you are saying… What do you mean?- Fresh tears streamed down Evan’s face as he finally looked into his mother’s. Heidi felt her heart stop for a moment. Evan’s eyes were filled with pain. That expression alone was enough to haunt her forever. That was the expression that a mother wishes to never see on her son’s face: a kind of suffering that a mother can’t heal. 

-Connor is… Connor was my boyfriend.- he said before breaking down crying into Heidi’s chest, once again.  _ I’m so sorry mom. I’m so pathetic. I disappointed you. I lied to you. I hid Connor from you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.  _

Heidi didn’t say a word. She caressed her son’s hair, hugged him tight and rocked him back and forth, while he kept crying. After a few minutes, Evan started to calm down. 

-It’s okay, Sweetie. It’s okay. I’m here for you.- she said softly. Evan’s mouth was dry, his eyes were puffy and his voice was hoarse.

-You are not mad at me?- 

-Why would I be? I’m mad at myself. You didn’t feel safe enough to tell me this… To tell me that you are LGBT and that you had a boyfriend... And, hell, I’m your mother, I should’ve known. This is the kind of things a mother should know. And you should never be afraid of telling me anything… I’m so sorry Evan. I failed you.- 

-No, no, no. It’s my fault. I disappointed you. I lied to you… I never told you about Connor…- 

-Oh, Evan. Don’t worry. I’m not disappointed, I’m not mad. I just wish… I wish you felt like you could tell me when you wanted… I wish I could’ve met him…- she sounded genuinely sorry. -So, tell me everything now. Everything you want.- Heidi smiled brightly and dried her son’s face with a piece of the sheets. 

-Are you sure? You have work tomorrow and I have school…- he said uncertainly. He really wanted to finally talk with his mother, but he didn’t want to interfere with her work or miss school and get in trouble. 

-I am definitely sure. The world won’t fall apart if we stay at home one day. You already woke up in the middle of the night crying, you clearly need to rest and I need to stay with you.- 

 

_ Evan got out of the backdoor of the hall just in time before his panic attack started showing. He didn’t have any of his tools with him. No paper bag, no meds, no fidget toy. His heart sped up, his lungs ached and he kept hyperventilating more and more. He ran his shaking hands on his tights hoping it would calm him down. But it didn’t work. He knew, rationally, that a panic attack doesn’t last more than twenty minutes, but at that moment it felt like it had been going on for ages. Just when he thought that he hoped that no one could hear him, a boy turned around the corner. He didn’t look surprised, more like he followed the sound of the heavy breathing and was expecting to find him there. He had long brown hair and he was wearing a black hoodie. Evan had seen him around before. He was the infamous Connor Murphy. Evan thought that he was the last person he needed to see him in that moment. He waited for a dumb joke or a mean insult, but instead, the boy squatted in front of him and spoke gently _

_ -Hey, hey. It’s okay, I won’t hurt you. Try to breathe more slowly. Can I touch your shoulder?- he asked. Evan nodded. -Okay, here.- said Connor caressing Evan’ss shoulder -Here. I’m Connor. Connor Murphy. What’s your name? What grade are you in?- Evan knew what he was doing. He was trying to distract him to decrease the anxiety. What he didn’t know was why a guy like Connor Murphy knew how to help a person having a panic attack. _

_ -I’m Evan… Hansen… Sophmore…- he managed to reply _

_ -Oh, cool, a sophomore like me. Are you used to this kind of thing?- _

_ -Yes.- _

_ -So not a first timer… I’m sorry. Tell me something more… Let’s see… What’s your hobby?- _

_ -Gardening.- _

_ -Interesting. Gardening… Something else?- _

_ -Hiking.-  _

_ Oh, nice. So you are an open-air kind of guy. I’m more of an indoors kind of guy, but we can’t all be the same, it would be really boring… Do you have any tests today, Evan?- he kept talking naturally like they had known each other for years and were just catching up after some time apart. _

_ -No, I don’t-  _

_ -You said three words this time, see? You are getting better. What’s your next period?-  _

_ -I have English.- _

_ -Oh. Do you like English?- _

_ -Yes, I do.-  _

_ -Well, then I absolutely can’t keep you any longer away from class. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you missing a class you actually like. Do you feel better?- asked Connor. Evan had stopped hyperventilating and shaking. He nodded. He was confused by Connor’s attitude. They didn’t know each other, but Connor helped him anyway. He knew what to do, he asked for permission to touch him, he didn’t make fun of him, he didn’t try to make him feel guilty for missing part of the period… Was he really sure that this was Connor Murphy? The one that everyone avoided?  _

 

-So, you like both girls and boys, correct?- asked Heidi while Evan told her his and Connor’s story during breakfast.

-Yes. But Connor only liked boys.- he confirmed

-Uhm… I see. From what you told me he wasn’t the kid I had imagined… I think I would have liked him. He had a sense of humour, he was trying to better himself, he was fighting his illness, he treated you right and worried about hurting you, he helped you with your anxiety… And you even pictured a future together… I wish I knew… Your first serious relationship... I missed it.- said Heidi while she sipped her coffee

-It’s not your fault. You are here now. It’s all that matters.- said Evan smiling, trying to mask a sudden feeling of sadness. Heidi got up and hugged him tightly.

-Evan, I know how it feels to lose somebody so close to you. I know how it hurts. You have to let the pain flow through you, don’t hold it back. It will hurt you more if you try to suppress it. When you feel like crying, cry. When you feel like screaming, scream. When you feel like breaking down, break down. Let it all out.- she said and kissed her son’s temple. -It’s also important to talk. The more you talk about him, the less it will hurt. I know it can be really difficult, I know that all the feelings and all the memories rise to the surface and you want to run away, but you have to face those feelings and those memories. Every time you will talk about it, it’ll hurt a bit less. Okay?- she added. Evan nodded. 

-Good. Now, tell me more about you for a bit, so you can distract yourself. When did you realise that you are bi?- asked Heidi. Evan sat down

-Well… When I was in middle school I guess… I thought that a few boys were pretty… Then I started thinking about kissing boys… But I knew I wasn’t gay because I still had that kind of thoughts about girls… So I… I google if it was possible to be attracted to both girls and boys…- Evan lowered his head, slightly ashamed. Heidi smiled sympathetically

-Oh, Evan. You could’ve told me…- 

-Yes… I feel really stupid right now… I’m not really sure why I felt like I couldn’t… I guess I was a bit scared and… I felt like you had a lot on your mind and I didn’t want to complicate things for you…- 

-But you complicated your life this way… Hiding all that time with Connor…- she interrupted

-No… The hiding wasn’t because of you. It was because of Connor’s parents…- whispered Evan

-The Murphys? Why?- 

-They are… A bit intolerant… Especially his father… I mean they are religious and they live in a good neighbourhood… I’m not saying that they are bigots, just that they are a bit… Prejudiced.- explained Evan, while he fidgeted with his hands -Connor… He often heard his dad say bad stuff… What you would call “casually homophobic” stuff… He didn’t feel safe coming out… And at school… He was already considered a freak… He didn’t want people to make fun of me because I am bi and I was with him. So, if it makes you feel better, you were not one of the reasons why we kept it secret.- said Evan, reaching out to hold his mother’s hand. 

  
  


_ Connor picked up his camera and got closer to Evan. The other boy was laying on the grass, half asleep. Connor position his camera checked the frame and took a picture. After the quiet “click” of the lens, Evan opened one eye.  _

_ -Hey! Don’t I have the right to sleep in peace?- he asked faking annoyance. Connor smiled _

_ -Not when you look so adorable. Besides, I have to practice for my portfolio. So, be nice, and let me practice.- _

_ -You can’t make a portfolio with just photos of me, Connor.-  _

_ -Watch me.- They both laughed. _

_ -I’m serious by the way, you have to find cool things to take pictures of… Like… Cool landscapes, cool cities, cool events…- said Evan getting up _

_ -...My cool boyfriend…- added Connor, and Evan slapped his arm _

_ -Connor, I’m trying to be serious here!- Connor laughed _

_ -I know, I know… It’s just… Not that easy… You have anxiety too: you know that going out is difficult and tiring… I’m not the kind of guy that goes to big events to take nice pictures of a big crowd or that goes to a big city I’ve never been to before just to take pictures of building…-  _

_ -You know that’s kind of how it works for photographers…-  _

_ -Yes, I know! But, it’s different… I have to get used to it…- replied Connor. _

_ -Okay. What if we find an event that won’t stress you out that much?- tried to reason Evan -Something that you can enjoy, so you won’t feel the anxiety of being in a big crowd? Like a concert or…- _

_ -What about a pride parade?- suggested Connor -I’d feel safe at a pride parade. Also, we are in June, so, perfect timing. With all the people and the colors, I bet I can take really great pictures. And we’ve both never been to one and it’s a real shame, and now we are together and it would be nice to go to our first pride together…- he started rambling. Evan just stood there shocked _

_ -Are you sure?- he asked _

_ -Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?- replied Connor a bit confused _

_ -Well… I thought… You didn’t want to be seen in public… And also… I thought that… You didn’t want to risk your father finding out…- stuttered Evan sheepishly. The smiled on Connor’s face faded. He glanced at Evan and saw his expression: he looked like he had given up on the idea before Connor had even suggested it. _

_ -You know what? You are right. It’s a bad idea. A truly terrible idea. Me and you, two anxiety-driven teenagers, who aren’t even out, going together to a pride parade, risking my father and all our classmates finding out. Stupid. Really fucking stupid. But also, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it all. We risk people finding out? We’ll go out of town. There are pride parades everywhere. We will go, together, as boyfriends and we will have one hell of a good time and we will take a shit ton of pictures and hold hands in public, and kiss in public and be the gayest anxious kids ever.- said Connor with a newfound confidence -And we will bring Emily with us, like the wondrous gay trio we are. And fuck the world.- he added smiling. Evan threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. _

  
  


-He really brought you out of your shell, uh?- joked Heidi

-Well, we helped each other…- said Evan

-Do you have any of his photos? I would like to see them.- 

-Yes, I do… Upstairs, follow me.- he replied while walking to his room -He gave me a few from time to time… He took so many… And… He gave me one the first day of school.- Evan got serious all of sudden.

-It’s okay if you don’t want to…- tried to start his mom

-No, it’s fine. I want to show you.- he said grabbing an album from his desk’s drawer.

Most of the photos were of them at the orchard, a few during hiking trips, afternoons in Evan’s room, days out with Emily… After watching a few of them, Evan showed his mother a section of the album with just photos of their first pride together. Smiling brightly, holding hands, dancing, kissing, goofing around with Emily, waving their flags around. Happy. Evan teared up and Heidi held him tight.

-I know, Sweetie. I know.-


	8. Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has an idea and Jared is willing to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took... a while... I know you probably expected something better... But here it is. The next chapter won't take as much, I promise.
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated and welcome and, since English is not my first language I apologize for my eventual mistakes...  
> Enjoy!

Jared called Evan this time, not the other way around. Evan was a bit caught off guard, but answered the call anway.  _ Is something wrong? Why is Jared calling me? Did I do something?  _ Evan tried to block all of his anxious thoughts and breathe slowly.  _ There’s no need to freak out over a friend calling me, right? Maybe he just needs help with homework or something like that. _

Evan smiled as soon as he saw his friend face on the screen, but noticed that Jared didn’t smile right away. He had a worried look on his face just moments before he saw Evan, then his expression went back to his normal smile. 

-Hey Loser…- he sounded almost unsure.  _ Has he forgotten how he usually greets me?  _

-Hi Jared. Are you alright? Do you need help? You never call me.- said Evan in a neutral tone. Jared knew that there was no accusation nor venom behind that “you never call me”. It was just a “matter of fact” statement. He never called Evan, he let Evan be the one to reach out to him. He never made an effort to be an actual good friend to Evan before… Before Connor passed away. But getting closer to Evan made him realise the way he had treated him, like some sort of second class friend and that definitely wasn’t right. Of all the people Jared knew, of all the people he called his friends, Evan was the closest to him along-side Alana, probably. Evan cared even if Jared didn’t. And now Evan needed him and Jared wanted to be there, he wanted to show he cared. Because he did. And that was why he was worried like crazy when Evan didn’t show up at school that morning. 

-I… I just wanted to check in on you… I didn’t see you at school and you usually never miss a day… So… Is everything alright?- said Jared.

Evan thought for a second before answering and Jared waited anxiously. 

_ Am I alright? Today I am. I talked with my mum, I stayed at home in peace for one day, I didn’t have any panic attack, I managed to talk about Connor without making myself too sad. I did good today.  _

-I think so… My mum wanted both of us to take a day off and we talked… I came out to her… I told her about Connor… And… We just… Had a good day.- said Evan, his smile growing with each sentence. A genuine smile of happiness. There couldn’t be better news than that for Evan. A smile of happiness despite everything that had happened. The universe gave him a break for a day. 

-Oh… OH. That’s great Loser! You actually deserve a self pat on the back for this. Go on, pat yourself.- Evan obeyed a bit confused -Yeah, you earned it. You know I was worried that like someone had kidnapped you or something… You truly never miss a day of school… But no, apparently, even you need vacation, from time to time! Well, good for you Loser, good for you. Is there anything you need help with? Like, another dinner at the Murphys or an afternoon with Zoe?- Jared seemed almost excited for Evan. He looked like he genuinely thought that his conversation with Heidi was a true accomplishment. 

-I… I don’t have to go to the Murphys again… But… There’s something you can help me with, if you want.-

-Shoot.-

-It’s a kind of project, we will need other people… I want to do something to remember Connor, to help kids who are facing the demons he fought…- Evan wasn’t sure of how to express what he wanted to do.  _ I just hope Jared doesn’t think I’m crazy.  _

-That seems… Complicated. But it surely is a good cause. I think I can help you… We will need to define “how” and “where”, and we will need money… probably a fundraiser… I know someone that can help us…- 

-Really? Who?- asked Evan in a rush. Jared hesitated. 

-Well, from what you have told me you don’t think very highly of her… But… She’s a friend, she is great and I’m sure she has an explanation for her behaviour…- he said

-Jared, who are you talking about?- 

-Alana Beck.- Evan was confused.  _ I don’t have any problem with Alana, what is he talking about? We talked about her just a few times… Oh. I remember… I didn’t like her posts about Connor… But I surely don’t dislike her… How the hell does Jared even remember that? I just mentioned it one time.  _

-Hey, I like Alana you know? I don’t know her very well, but I noticed that she’s really polite and always kind and she is really good at managing her social media accounts…- 

-You are talking in a weird way. Are you sure you are cool with her? I mean you really didn’t like the posts she made about Connors, and I get it... You were grieving, you are grieving, and you felt like she was disrespecting Connor. But I’m really sure she didn’t mean to do that, she surely has a reason…- 

-I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Jared, calm down! I swear I like Alana. I know that she didn’t mean to disrespect Connor… When something like that happens to someone you know, even just by name, people tend to empathise or to see themselves in that situation. It’s a shock. And Alana elaborated her shock through social media. I don’t blame her for it. Ok? You believe me?- Evan spoke with confidence. More that Jared had ever saw in him. But as Jared thought about what he had said he started to worry. Evan was at risk and Jared already knew that, but Alana? And all the other kids at school? Alana, sweet, cheerful, clever Alana. Did she…? And the others? Maybe Evan was more right than he thought: a project like the one he suggested was needed.

-Yeah, I believe you man…. So, can I add Alana to this video call?- 

-Go ahead.-   

 

_ Evan woke up in the middle of the night because his phone was buzzing. Connor was calling him. _

_ -Hey Connor, is everything alright?- asked Evan with a sleepy voice _

_ -Hey… I’m sorry I woke you… I’m having trouble with rehab…- Connor’s voice was trembling, he was clearly nervous -I feel like… I want to get high again and I know that’s bad… The staff at the community centre said that I should call a friend when I feel like this… And you are the only friend I have…- Connor’s voice lowered a little as he was finishing the last sentence. Evan felt his heart break a little _

_ -Don’t worry, I’m here for you, my friend… How can I help you? Do you want to go out or something?- he asked a bit nervous.  _

_ -I… I… I don’t know… I want to be with you… Can I… Can I come over?- Connor sounded unsure -I mean… I know that probably you don’t want me there… I just…-  _

_ -Connor!- Evan interrupted him -Of course you can come over. I have absolutely no reason to not want you here. If you need company, I can be the company you need.- Evan heard Connor sob through the phone _

_ -Thank you, Evan. You did so much for me. I feel like I don’t deserve you…-  Evan felt his cheeks go red  _

_ -I… I did what any friend would do… And besides, you are the one that helped me first, without even knowing me… I should be the one that doesn’t deserve you…- _

  
  


Alana appeared on the screen and instantly smiled brightly. 

-Oh, hi!- she said waving her hand in front of the webcam -Hey, you are Evan Hansen, Jared told me about you. So, why did you call me, J?- Jared smiled and answered

-Maybe it’s better if Evan explains that to you, I’m here just to help him. Of course, only if you feel like it man.- Evan took a deep breath.  _ Ok, try to sound convincing, don’t say too much.  _

-I don’t know what Jared told you about me… How can I start? Let’s just… “rip it off” like a bandaid: I knew Connor Murphy, we were… friends.- Evan paused. He wasn’t sure if it was for the need to control his emotions or to ler Alana elaborate the news, maybe it was a bit of both. He didn’t feel the trembling in his chest, so at least he wasn’t about to panic, but he still felt an odd sensation. The first time he was saying to a sort of “outsider” about Connor. It felt strange. In his mind, of some reason, it was like he was letting a part of Connor go. That was the last step to officially break the secrecy surrounding their relationship. He was telling Alana, who didn’t know Connor and didn’t know him. And Alana could tell anyone. And after that the news would probably spread around the school. Nobody would care of course, they had no reason to, but there was no coming back from that. Connor would no longer be his secret. It should have felt like a relief, but somehow it felt painful. It was a quiet, subdued pain, that Evan couldn’t quite place. It was in his chest, in his mind, he felt it tingling in his hands and his legs. Losing another part of Connor, letting go a piece of him forever. He didn’t notice that Alana and Jared where still waiting until she spoke

-Oh. You were friends. I’m so sorry for your loss, Evan. I didn’t know… You must be hurting… Is this why you need me? I don’t think I can help…- Evan found the strength to speak again

-No, Alana, don’t worry about me. This isn’t about me, it’s about Connor. I want to do something for Connor and for all the kids that feel like he felt. I want to start a project, something to connect teenager from across the country, so that they can share their stories, help each other, feel less alone.- he waited for Alana to respond. She just stood there speechless for a moment, her eyes wide open in surprise.  _ Maybe she doesn’t want to help me, maybe she thinks I’m being selfish.  _

-That’s… That’s a great idea Evan! I will gladly help you. I can create a site and a fundraiser. Jared can ask help from his parents to learn about the legal details and get the permissions… And you, you can use your memories of Connor to advertise the project!- her eyes were almost sparkling with joy -Thank you for asking me to help.- Jared chuckled

-I told you she’s great… By the way, do you have a name for this project?- he asked Evan

-I was thinking about it… how does “The Connor Project” sound?- replied Evan shyly.  _ It’s so corny. And stupid. And simple. Connor would probably hate that. Maybe he is making fun of this with emily right now. _

-Uhm… That would be “TCP” for short… I heard far worse than that… For me it’s great, approved! For a moment I thought you were going to say something about plants…- the boys both laughed and then Evan looked at Alana

-And you Alana? What do you think?- she smiled as soon as she heard her name being mentioned

-Oh… Not that my opinion matters, but I think it has a nice ring to it… Definitely approved.- Evan nodded

-Great, so with three votes in favor and zero against, the name “The Connor Project” is approved. And Alana, your opinion does matter, you are the official social media manager of this operation.- Alana’s eyes lit up

-Oh, thank you, thank you so much...- she started to say when Jared interrupted her

-Hey, hey, remember that I was your friend first, ok?- they all laughed, then Evan got serious all of sudden

-Now we just need the Murphys approval.- he said.

 

_ Connor had come over and Evan tried to make him feel at ease, offering some water and a piece of cake. They ate while sitting on the floor in Evan’s room.  _

_ -Evan… There’s something I wanted to tell you…- said Connor out of the blue. Evan instantly got anxious -No, no, no… Nothing bad… No need to worry...- quickly added Connor _

_ -Oookay… What is it?- asked Evan cautionally. Connor took a big breath.  _

_ -I… I know we’ve been friends for just a few months, but… You mean a lot to me… You truly helped me. Not just tonight… You were there for me when I needed support, you took me to the community centre, you didn’t judge me for my addiction nor for my depression… And you’ve been truly patient with my problems with physical contact… I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me…- Connor raised his head and looked directly into Evan’s eyes _

_ -You are the most important person in my life, Evan.- Evan felt like he had stopped breathing, he was hit by a sudden rush of affection towards Connor  _

_ -Can I… Can I hug you?- he asked and Connor nodded. Evan launched himself at full force against Connor and hugged him tight, making them both fall on the ground. _

 

Evan was once again at the Murphys’ door, but this time Alana and Jared were with him. Zoe opened the door and smiled brightly 

-Hi, Evan!-  _ Okay, you can do this.  _ Evan waved.

-Hi! These are my friends, Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck… Are your parents home?- he asked a bit nervous.  _ Everything is going to be okay. _

-Yes, yes… Come on in, they are in the living room…- said Zoe while guiding the group to said room. Mr and Mrs Murphy were watching the TV. As soon as Cynthia saw Evan she stood up to greet him. 

-Hi, Evan. I’m so glad to see you! Do you need something? Do you want to stay for dinner?- she asked. Evan fidgeted with his hands and turned to look at Jared, who gave him a small thumbs up and a big smile. 

-I… I wanted to ask you something…-  _ You can do this. Mr Murphy probably still hates you, but Mrs Murphy will be happy to hear about the project. Come on, just say it!  _ -We wanted to start a project.- he blurted out. Mrs Murphy seemed confused

-We? A project?- she asked. Evan felt his confidence fade all of the sudden. He was really going to ask his boyfriend parents the permission to start a project in his name. He close his hands into fist and tightened his grip as much as he could without hurting himself.

-Yes. Me, Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck. We would like to start a project in Connor’s name, to help other teenagers who feel lost like he did… Something to keep his memory alive… And we came to ask you for your permission…- he managed to say. 

-A project in Connor’s name? Really? Oh, Evan… This is wonderful! I can’t believe it!- Mrs Murphy had started crying and hugged Evan -Thank you… Of course you have our permission, right Larry?- Mr Murphy was still sitting on the couch and he looked like he could speak, he just nodded slightly. 

-I… I didn’t realise that Connor… That Connor was so important for you, all of you…- he said after a while. Jared chimed in 

-Me and Alana will take care of the logistics...We want to start a fundraiser and a school memorial as the official starting event… You don’t have to worry about anything.- he assured. The Murphys seemed still overwhelmed and could barely thank the boy. 

Zoe, who had been silent until that moment, hugged Evan and whispered into his ear

-Thank you, I know this is a lot for you.- Evan felt like crying.

_ Hey Connor, we did it.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last months have been a bit hard for me, especially because of school... But, I have graduated now, so I can enjoy a little bit of freedom before I start Uni... The next chapter is already in the works and I think that it won't take me more than couple of chapters to finish the story...   
> Thanks to all of you who still read the story and patiently waited for me to update it... I'm truly sorry it took me so long.


	9. Speech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has to make a speech for the school memorial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was tough to write. You will understand why. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING (for this particular chapter): mentions of suicide, mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> Comments are always welcome and appreciated. I will try to correct any mistake I can find, as English is not my first language... Enjoy! (or not... it's a sad chapter)

Evan was sitting in his room, trying to write a speech for Connor's memorial.  _ This has to be perfect. I owe this to my Connor.  _

He had written a total of six words: "good morning to all of you". For the rest of the time he just stared at the sheet of paper in front of him while chewing on his pencil. The more he tried to think of what to write, the more he could feel the anxiety rising in his chest tightening the grip around his lungs.  _ How can I express what I feel in words? This is impossible. I can't just describe Connor. Words aren't enough.  _

He heard a faint knock on his door

-Hey, Sweetie. Zoe Murphy is here… Is it alright if I let her in?- Heidi's voice was as sweet as always. Evan swallowed a lump in his throat.  _ Zoe. Maybe she wants to read my speech? Or maybe she wants to tell me I shouldn't say anything.  _

-Yes. Yes, let her in.- he responded and he immediately heard the door creaking open. Zoe entered the room slowly, smiling softly at Evan and then closed the door. She had a small packet in her hands. 

-I just wanted to see how you were doing… If you feel ready for tomorrow… - she said sounding unsure. Evan couldn't find the voice to speak at first, feeling his whole body heat up with anxiety

-I… I… It's hard…- he said fighting back tears. Zoe lowered her head and bit her tongue

-My parents… Well, my mother… She wanted you to have this.- she said handing him the packet. Evan grabbed it and opened it slowly. It contained a slim black tie. Evan stared at it with wide eyes. 

-Why?- he whispered with a strangled voice while running his fingers over the soft fabric. He felt a heavy weight on his chest. 

-Uhm… It was Connor's… It was a gift from my parents for his birthday a couple of years ago… He never wore it… My mom thought that you could wear it tomorrow, to have something that was his… She wanted to give it to you herself but…- Zoe stopped talking as she noticed a few tears streaming down Evan's face

-He did wore it, you know?- he said with a broken voice. Zoe held her breath and shook her head

-He wore it three times… For the award ceremony of the photography contest he won… For our first official date… And… And for… For our last official date…- Evan sobbed and sucked in a breath, more tears running down his face. Zoe stepped closer and caressed his shoulders, her eyes were filling with tears too

-I'm so sorry Evan… If I had known I would have told my mom to leave it be… I… I'm so sorry…-

Evan shook his head as if to say that she shouldn't have been apologising. Zoe leaned her forehead on Evan's shoulder and tried to comfort him. After a few minutes, he finally spoke

-I guess that… I guess I just realised that there was a last date together, there was a last smile, a last hug, a last kiss, there was a last call in the middle of the night, a last trip out of town, a last day at the apple orchard… There is a "last" for everything we did together because he's truly gone… I… I know it's stupid… But… Somehow in the back of my mind, I hadn't thought about it… As if Connor was going to come back from a trip and everything would go back to normal…- Evan covered his face with his hands and Zoe hugged him. She didn't say anything, she couldn't. 

 

 

_ They went to see a movie out of town. It was a dumb action flick, but it was so much fun. Connor was actually laughing. A good hearty laugh that was inevitably contagious. When they exited the theatre Connor had a smile still plastered on his face.  _

_ -I'm glad you enjoyed the movie… - said Evan -You know… I think I've never been with a friend to see a movie… Jared would flee to Mexico before he could be seen in public with me…- _

_ -If it makes you feel better, it's a first time for me too… But I had fun… I hope we will continue to be friends for a long time, you… you are… a great guy, Evan.- said Connor, smiling even more. Evan felt embarrassed, he was not used to open displays of affection like this.  _

_ They returned to the car and sat in it, chatting for a while _

_ -You know, I have good news.- said Connor all of the sudden _

_ -Yeah? Tell me, tell me.- responded Evan while Connor dug in his jeans' pockets and showed him a small round pin he had found in there.  _

_ -They gave me my first sobriety badge! Well, it's nothing official really, but one of the volunteers insisted that I should have it because it would make me visualise my progress… So… One month clean.- Connors sounded nervous, but as soon as he saw the smile on Evan's face, he relaxed.  _

_ -Connor that's amazing! See? You have it in you!- Evan cheered. Connor lowered his head and whispered _

_ -Yeah… You know… I… I wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for you… You amazing awkward penguin.- Connor smiled but he still wouldn't look into Evan's eyes. The other boy chuckled a bit at the nickname.  _

_ -Con… -  _

_ -No, wait. Just… Let me finish.- interrupted Connor and took a deep breath -You are special Evan. You… You care so much about me and you make me feel actually wanted… You are a great friend, you don't judge me, you don't get annoyed by me… You are so passionate about your gardening and hiking and Botanics, I wish I had half of that passion for something… And you are so strong. You find the strength to go out every day despite the mess in your head and that takes a lot… You fucking saved me. You… You mean so much to me, Evan… I know I shouldn't… I shouldn't say what I'm about to say, but I think I will regret it more if I don't… Evan, I think I'm falling for you.- Connor looked up and saw the expression of pure shock on Evan's face and noticed that he was starting to breath faster -Oh shit, shit, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have…- _

_ -No, no, no…- blurted out Evan -Just… this isn't a dream, right?- _

_ -No…?- replied Connor confused, scanning Evan's face for any sign of disgust or repulsion  _

_ -I need a second… This is… A lot…- he said while inhaling from his nose and pushing his breath out of his mouth -You like me? Me? Really?- asked Evan _

_ -YES. Of course, I do.- _

_ -Of course?- he asked again _

_ -Are you really surprised that I found you likeable?- _

_ -YES. You are you and I am me… And nobody likes guys like me… And you are you… And everybody likes guys like you… And I… Nobody ever said to me that they liked me…- Evan was clearly struggling with words _

_ -You heard what I said right?- Connor was still nervous, unsure of Evan's feelings towards him, but he smiled a little while he watched Evan stop talking and look at him like he was from another planet _

_ -Uh?- he whispered in disbelief  _

_ -Did you hear what I said? That you are amazing, special, passionate and strong? And that you make me feel wanted? If you don't feel the same I get it, but please believe me when I say that you are more than just likeable. You are… Everything. Absolutely everything.- Connor spoke with a soft voice. Evan couldn't believe that he was being so open with his feelings.  _

_ -Connor… I can't breathe… Just… Shut up for a second…- he didn't sound annoyed, just on edge -You want to date me?- _

_ -That would be the plan, yes.- Connor joked _

_ -Even with my panic attacks and all and not being out and your problems with physical contact?- _

_ Connor sighed -Evan how would your panic attacks be a problem to me, the depressed junkie with anxiety? And you already made me feel more comfortable with physical contact in a few months than my whole family in years… And wait a second, you want to date me then? You feel the same?- _

_ -Yes. I… I… Really can't make a speech right now… But yes…- Evan said, still forcing himself to breathe slowly -And you are not a junkie. Stop defining yourself in that way.- _

_ -See? You are so fucking precious. So… Boyfriends?- Connor sounded so hopeful it hurt.  _

_ -Boyfriends.- they both smiled and Evan added -I think my heart is about to burst out of my chest.- they laughed together and Connor finally started the car to go back home.  _

 

 

Evan almost didn’t sleep the night before the memorial. The fear and anxiety kept bubbling in his mind. He was somehow relieved by his sleepless night as he feared that if he slept he would’ve dreamt of Connor and he knew that would’ve hurt him too much. 

Now he had to worry about how to face the whole school and talk about Connor. Alana and Jared did a great job on the website and the fundraiser for the Connor project, the downside was that now everyone at school knew that Evan was Connor’s friend. They expected something from him, but he wasn’t sure of what that was. 

Heidi helped her son get dressed that morning

-If it becomes too much, just look at me and shake your head a little and I will take you back home, okay?- she said while she adjusted his tie

-Okay.- murmured Evan

-And if the crowd scares you, you can just look at me or Zoe or Jared. Whoever makes you feel more at ease, look at them and you will feel better. Pretend you are having a conversation with just one person.- she added smiling and hugged Evan tightly. -It will be hard, but you are going to be okay, Sweetie.- 

 

_ Evan gently stroked Connor’s head as he cried _

_ -I’m here. Everything’s okay. You are safe. I’m here with you.- whispered Evan over and over. Connor continued sobbing and held on tighter to Evan’s shirt, desperate whines escaping his mouth _

_ -I… You were… You…- he tried to speak, but he didn’t have enough strength _

_ -It was just a nightmare Connor, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. It was just a nightmare. I’m okay and you are okay. I’m here, love.- Evan kissed Connor’s temple and rubbed his back until he calmed down a bit. Connor leaned his head on Evan’s shoulder as he tried to even his breathing. _

_ -I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…- he murmured into his boyfriend shirt. Evan felt his heart aching from hearing how broken Connor sounded _

_ -I know Connor, I know. I love you too. I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.- said Evan. Connor raised his head and stared into his eyes, they were red and still full of tears _

_ -Is this… Is this real?- the uncertainty in his voice was truly heartbreaking. Evan felt his eyes burn like he was about to cry -I’m not… I’m not hallucinating? Will you disappear?- Evan held him with all the strength he had, not knowing how to assure him that this was real, that he was there with him, that the warmth radiating from his body wasn’t just Connor’s mind playing tricks on him.  _

_ -It’s real. I’m real. We are real. I’m here with you, Connor.- Evan kissed his temple again, then his forehead and his cheeks, anywhere he knew Connor wouldn’t feel bad about. He avoided his neck, his lips, his throath, his shoulders and his ears. He covered his knuckles in kisses and then went back to his cheeks, to his eyelids, to his forehead and lastly his temple. Tears were silently rolling down his face too at this point, gently falling down his chin, on his shirt, on his jeans, on Connor’s jeans, in Connor’s hair. It was all a mess. Connor whimpered and he gripped once again Evan’s shirt, a pained whine muffled by the fabric.  _

_ -Evan…- he whispered _

_ -I’m here. I’m here Connor.- now Evan sounded just as desperate as his boyfriend, unable to relieve the pain he knew he was feeling. Connor started to caress Evan’s face, searching his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe he was actually there.  _

_ -Can I?- asked Connor in a almost inaudible whisper. Evan looked confused at first, but then nodded slightly _

_ Connor softly pushed his lips against Evan’s and pulled back immediately. Evan was looking at him in shock and was tracing his lips with his fingers, that was not what he imagined their first kiss would be like, but he didn't care. He pulled Connor closer and kissed him properly.  _

_ -I’m here, love. I’m here. I love you. I’m real. This is real and I love you.- he kept saying in between kisses.  _

 

 

There was a small stage where they put a microphone stand, right next to a giant picture of Connor. It was a photo from the last yearbook and it almost looked fake. Almost the whole school was there everybody sat in uncomfortable looking plastic chairs and did their best to look serious and interested, most weren’t. There were a few people from the press, every teacher, the principal, and even a few people from the mayor’s office. The school’s jazzband was playing something somber, Zoe, unlike usual, was in the front row wearing a simple black dress. Evan looked in her direction and she smiled weakly at him, he noticed that her headband was black too. He stepped on the stage with a wrinkled sheet of paper in hand where he tecnically written his speech. Tecnically. When he couldn’t stand anymore looking at the blank page, he searched speech formulas and stitched together the most inpersonal cliché speech.  _ Just pretend you are talking to one person you like. Everything will be okay. You are doing this for Connor. Connor. Connor. My Connor.  _

The principal speaked first, but Evan couldn’t concentrate on any word he said. He knew he talked about how this loss was hard for everyone and how everyone was suffering. He talked about how important it is to talk when you “feel sad”, how it is important to remember that you must work hard and make an effort to be happy. Evan felt sick. He watched the other students nod slighlty at every sentence, he knew they didn’t agree with anything that was being said, he knew he didn’t.  _ Connor this is bullshit, this is all bullshit. If you were here today you would’ve shown him.  _ The principal introduced Evan and stepped back to leave the microphone stand all for him. Evan got closer and put his sheet on the lectern. He could feel the students turning his attention to him, waiting.  _ I don’t think I can give them what they want, Connor.  _ He tried to start, but the words died in his mouth. He looked down at his speech.

“Good morning students and faculty…” It started. Evan grimaced, but tried to speak again. He felt the heat in his body rise and the sensation of being pinched repeatedly all over his body. He forced himself to breathe slowly. 

-Have you ever felt alone and forgotten? Have you ever felt like your presence in this world didn’t matter to anyone? Have you ever felt like the whole world would be better off without you in it? Have you ever felt so much pain that you though you couldn’t live any longer?- he paused looking down.  _ Connor does.  _

-Connor did. He was overwhelmed by his pain and the darkness in his mind, by his nightmares and his terrible thoughts. When he could manage his anxiety, he couldn’t manage his depression and vice versa. He struggled every day of his life to just exist.- Evan sucked in a breath and bit the inside of his cheeks, he could feel the tears rising in his eyes and his voice about to crack 

-Connor Murphy was my best friend and he was amazing. I truly can’t find the right words to describe him, he meant too much to me. Even in his darkest moments he would still do anything he could to help me, to make me feel better, as if his pain was nothing when I needed him.- Evan paused again, breathing heavily 

-He helped me manage my anxiety, he helped me calm down when I had panick attacks and he listened evverytime I needed someone to talk to, as I did for him. He knew how much a friend by your side can change everything, how much just one person who listens and tries to understand you can change everything. He knew that the only way to keep the darkness away was to let the light come streaming in, to let love and friendship in your life, to let the peope who care about you help you mend your wounds. Connor suffered and he felt alone in his suffering. He felt so alone and hopeless that the day came when he couldn’t see a way out, when he thought that nobody could help him nor understand him.- a sob escaped Evan’s lips and tears started streaming down his face. He looked at the crowd in front of him. So many students, his age or younger, and he could feel that some of them knew that kind of pain, some of them were so affected by Connor’s death because they had considered suicide. He knew he had. When Evan spoke again his voice cracked -But Connor was wrong. He wasn’t alone. The same pain he felt, the same thoughts he had, the same worries that filled his mind… There are so many people who feel that pain, who have those thoughts, who deal with those worries. A lot of people struggle in silence until they can’t take it anymore. Depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, bipolar disorder, intrusive thoughts, OCD, anorexia and bulimia… All of these and many more illnesses are more common than they make you believe. All of these can be treated. And it’s not just mental illnesses. Every kind of problem can become bigger and bigger until we can’t see a way out. But, even if it hurts that much, there’s always a spark of hope. You have to reach out, to your friends, to your parents, to your family, to anyone you can. Ask for help, because you are not alone, you are loved, you are wanted and someone will help you. Let the light in, let your loved ones help you get back up. Healing and recovery are not easy, but they are also not impossible.- Evan was stopped by another sob. He thought he had saw Connor in the crowd in front of him, dressed in black as always and smiling at him. A new wave of tears streamed down Evan’s face 

-Connor wanted to be a photographer. Connor wanted to travel around the world. Connor wanted to move in a big city. Connor wanted to become a photo reporter. Connor had so many plans for the future. But Connor’s depression and anxiety got worse and his mind was filled with intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts and pain, so much pain. I wish every day that Connor didn’t feel that way. I wish everyday that he’d called me that day and told me everything, that he’d let me help him. If you felt or feel like he did, just trust me, suicide isn’t the solution. I know that it hurts. I know. I know that hearing people say that “it gets better” doesn’t help, because right now you can’t see the light. Right now your life is horrible and you can’t see that it gets better. I know it hurts waking up everyday and having to face everything again and again, but trust me you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to die. You are not hopeless, you are not worthless, you are not alone. It will take time, but I promise, you will rise again.- 

Evan made a little gesture with his head to signal that he had finished and ran off the stage. He was crying harder and harder. His ears were ringing and his head was pulsing so much that he almost didn’t hear the applause that followed him. Heidi ran to him and hugged him, cradling in head with her arms and kissing his temple. Her perfume filled Evan’s nostrils and he felt the warmth of her body, comforting and safe like home. Soon Jared, Zoe and Alana were there, hugging him too and complimenting him for what he had done. His whole body hurt, but he also felt the reassuring presence of his mother and his friends. It hurt, it hurt so much, but he knew that he would be okay. 

_ Connor. My Connor. Love, I wish you were here.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad you could make until the end. I hope you are okay. If you related with the topics I wrote about, just know that I mean every word I've written: there's always hope and people who love you who will help you get through anything. I know, trust me, I've been there. 
> 
> I will see you when I post the next chapter (I'm already working on it) and I hope you have a great day!


	10. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has to tell the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really ashamed of myself for taking so long to finish this. I can't apologize enough.
> 
> Well, here it is... I hope it's good... This is actually the last chapter of the story, since the next is only a bonus.  
> Trigger Warning for mentions of homophobia and abuse in this chapter. 
> 
> As always, I'll try to correct every mistake I can find.
> 
> (I had to edit this chapter as I noticed that I posted it without the italics for thoughts and flashbacks)

_Lies don’t last forever. The truth eventually has to come out. I really don’t know what I had expected._ Evan’s mind was racing again, his was shaking and trying to fight back tears. Alana was standing in front of him in a quiet empty classroom, her hands full of printed emails. His printed emails.  
-Evan… All of this… It doesn’t add up… There are contradictions everywhere and… Sometimes there are mentions of non existent past conversations… I really don’t know why… I trust you and there must be an explanation, but… Right now, I’m doubting you…-  
Evan clenched his fists and bit his lips. - I… I… Alana… Jared… He…-  
-Jared what? He can explain?- prompted Alana. Evan swallowed hard, but didn’t respond.  
_This is it. This is the time to tell the truth. Is it even my right to tell this? To out Connor this way? Is this what he would’ve wanted? Maybe everything I did is a mistake: talking to the Murphys, talking to Zoe, the Connor Project… It was all a mistake. I didn’t do any of this in memory of Connor, I did it because I miss him and I felt like I could get him back in some way. I did it because I’m lonely and I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I could just say that I made it all up, maybe that would be more respectful to Connor’s memory than outing him just to save my credibility. I could have made it all up after all. Just to get attention and company._  
-There’s a reason… Alana… There’s a reason if the emails have some contradictions… I… There are some things I didn’t tell you…-  
-What kind of things?- asked Alana narrowing her eyes

 _-You really can’t cook, uh?- said Evan giggling at Connor’s attempt to divide egg yolks, he had already failed four times -Here, let me help you or we are going to run out of eggs.-_  
_-It’s not my fault, okay? Nobody taught me!- Connor defended himself_  
_-It’s okay, I didn’t say it was your fault. Everybody has to learn. There’s a lot of things I don’t know how to do, for example.- responded Evan calmly and turned around to smile brightly at Connor._  
_-Yeah… You are right… I’m just embarrassed I guess… You are pretty good at handling yourself and I can’t even cook a simple meal or do the laundry…- said Connor lowering his head._  
_-Well, since my mother is single and she works a lot, I had to learn how to handle myself pretty fast… Your mom is an housewife, she usually does most of the housework at home, right?- said Evan_  
_-Right…-_  
_-You’ve never been completely on your own, so it’s normal that you don’t know how to do most of the housework or how to cook. You have time to learn…- Evan finished. Connor hesitated before responding_  
_-Hey… Would you… Would you teach me?- he asked voice filled with nervousness_  
_-I… Of course, anything you want…- Evan was confused by the request_  
_-No, I mean… If we ever get to… If we ever get to live together… Would you teach me, so we could split chores?-_  
_Evan interrupted what he was doing and turned fully around to look at Connor. He looked like he was holding his breath_  
_-Are… Are you… suggesting… Are you suggesting that you would… that you would want to live with me?- he managed to ask as he felt his cheeks turn bright red._  
_-Well… We mentioned it would be nice and… We are both seniors next year…- Connor couldn’t look into Evan’s eyes as he continued -Thanks to you I’m actually applying to a college and there are good photography courses in the college you want to go to… I thought that if you want… I want to stay with you and…-_  
_-I would love to, Connor. I really would love to.- Evan couldn’t contain his smile as Connor rushed to hug him._

-Me and Connor… We weren’t friends…- Evan started, but Alana interrupted him almost immediately  
-What? So it’s all a lie? The emails? And the speech? All the money we managed to raise thanks to the Connor Project? It’s all based on a lie?-  
-No, no, no, no. That’s not what I mean, please let me explain.- pleaded Evan raising his hands to stop Alana. She eyed him suspiciously and signalled to continue - I...Everything I said about me and Connor is true, but there are some things I omitted… I wanted to keep the secret because it wasn’t mine to tell, but Connor…- Evan swallowed -Connor isn’t her anymore.-  
Alana was only more confused -Secret? What kind of secret?-  
-Me and Connor… We didn’t hide only because of our friendship… We hid because we were… We were in a relationship.- Alana was the fourth person to discover Evan’s secret, but somehow it was the hardest. He didn’t know her very well like he knew his mother and Jared and she didn’t have a personal connection with Connor like Zoe. She was almost a stranger and that meant that his secret was no longer a secret. Everything had changed forever.  
-You… You what?- Alana was struggling to process the news -You two were gay?- she asked  
-Connor was. I’m bi, actually.- said Evan  
-And you tried to hide your relationship in your emails?- continued Alana  
-Yes… Connor wasn’t out with his family and he didn’t feel safe and that’s why we hid our relationship and…-  
-You have to tell the Murphys.- interrupted Alana  
-What?! No! I don’t have to do anything.-  
-You lied to them!- she shouted  
-Because Connor…-  
-Quit pretending this is about Connor. You are the problem! I don’t know why you lied, to keep Connor with you for a little longer or to pretend that everything was fine between him and his family, but you have to stop.- Alana continued looking more and more upset. _I don’t know why I lied either. It doesn’t make any sense, all of this. Maybe I lied because I wasn’t ready to come out of the closet myself, but I did that now. Who am I protecting? What am I protecting?_ Evan felt the familiar warm wave of anxiety rush over him.  
-You didn’t even know him…- he replied in a whisper  
-Yeah, that’s true. I get that you are suffering and I don’t want to pretend that I can understand your position and your feelings, but while you are here slowly healing, the Murphys are mourning a person that doesn’t exist. Are they really remembering Connor or honouring him if they don’t actually know him? Wasn’t that the point of giving them your letters? Making them understand who Connor really was?- Alana was now looking directly into Evan’s eyes, she had raised her voice but her expression was still soft and kind.

 _-Connor… Have you… Have you ever thought about coming out to your family?- asked Evan suddenly. Connor freezed with his forkful of food mid-air. He slowly lowered his arm before speaking_  
_-I… I thought about it… But I don’t think I will ever be able to do it in the near future… I think… Why? Have you thought of coming out to your mom? Do you want to…?- Connor tried his best to conceal his nervousness. Evan looked down at his plate_  
_-Well...No… My mom has far too much to worry about… I don’t want to… You know… Drop this kind of bomb on her. I was just curious to know if you ever thought about it… Like how would you do it, when and why… Stuff like that.-_  
_Connor smiled -Well, it would be really funny if someday we just showed up together for a family dinner and explained nothing… I think my father would lose it.- he paused and got serious all of the sudden -But it’s not really a possibility…-_  
_-Why?- asked Evan by impulse and then stopped immediately -I’m sorry… Why, if you don’t mind me asking?- he corrected. Connor suppressed a laugh_  
_-No, problem. You can ask me anything, you know… Well, I think the major problem is my father… My mother does have the “suburban mom” kind of attitude, but my father is really a “macho” kind of guy. He’s already disappointed in me because I don’t play any sport and have lots of girlfriends… I think that… He would hate me if I ever came out… And as for Zoe… She really wouldn’t care.- explained Connor with a sad smile._  
_-Connor…- tried to start Evan_  
_-No, Evan it’s fine. I will tell them someday… Just… When I’ll be able to live on my own I will gather the courage to tell them, but right now it seems impossible.- said Connor and then added -This doesn’t mean that I don’t want you, of course. It just means the moment, between my family and our classmates it’s not safe to be out. We will be, though. I still plan to move in with you when we’ll go to college, so prepare to be out and proud there, babe.- as he finished he smiled brightly and raised his fist in the air._  
_-Yeah, I can’t wait.- said Evan_

Evan had decided that this had to be his last tie in front of the Murphys’ door. There was just one last thing that he had to do and then he could leave the past months behind and go off to college.  
-Oh, hi Evan! Come in!- greeted Cynthia as per usual.  
-Hi, Mrs. Murphy. Don’t worry, I’ll be quick.- replied Evan while he quickly slipped in and walk towards the living room. Larry Murphy was watching something on tv.  
-Evan? Hi! To what do we owe the pleasure?- he asked. Evan clenched his fists and dug with his nails in his palms  
-It’s about Connor.- he said simply while Larry turned off the tv and sat on the couch next to Cynthia.  
-Tell us, dear.- she encouraged -What is it? Another letter? Something about the Connor Project?-  
Evan looked down at the carpet -No… I… I… I lied to you.- he said. The Murphys couldn’t respond. They just sat there with their mouths agape, both unable to think of an answer.  
Evan continued -I lied to you about Connor, about who he was, about our relationship and… I can’t do it anymore. I wish that you knew the Connor I knew and that’s why I gave you those letters… I wanted you to see the illnesses he was dealing with, how strong he was, how he fought to get clean and how amazing he was. But the letters I gave you were… The letters I gave you were altered… Because there was a part of him that I tried to hide from you, because I thought that he would’ve wanted me to…- he talked almost too fast for the Murphys to follow him and Larry stopped him  
-Hey, kid, get to the point.- he said harshly, clearly annoyed. _Get to the point, right. This is it. Our secret is dead, Connor._  
-The point is… the point is that… that… Connor and I were in a relationship.- Evan said and then held his breath. A million of little alarms went off in his head. _You shouldn’t have said it. They hate you now. This is not what Connor wanted. He will hate you forever. You always ruin everything. You always talk too much. You should have left things as they were. You should have stayed silent. Even better, you should’ve died too. Why didn’t you join Connor? Why didn’t you kill yourself?_  
There was a moment of silence. Both Larry and Cynthia were processing the news.  
-Evan, dear.- started Mrs. Murphy -I don’t think I underst…- her husband interrupted her by suddenly standing up  
-You are trying to say that not only my son was a junkie, a coward and a nut case, but he was also a damned fag?- he said, voice low but filled with rage. Evan froze. He didn’t know what he had expected, but he hadn’t expected this. Mr. Murphy’s eyes were full of disgust and anger and they were fixated on him. Evan felt his legs start to give out, a sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation took him over and he found himself unable to reply. All the air left his lungs and he couldn’t breathe anymore, while his eyes filled with tears.  
-Answer me, goddamnit!- Larry said raising his voice -Do you take me for a fucking moron? Do you think that I will buy into another one of your stupid little stories? Do you really expect me to believe that my son was a fucking fag?- at this point Mr. Murphy was basically shouting into Evan’s face, who just stood there, closed his eyes and flinched at every word. Mrs. Murphy was still sitting on the couch, shifting on the edge like she was trying to gather the courage to get up and stop her husband.  
Evan started to pray to himself that he could disappear or die that instant, when Zoe came rushing from upstairs and put herself between Evan and Mr. Murphy. She turned to Evan and searched his face for signs of harm, her eyes filled with worry.  
-Are you alright? Are you hurt? Good. Okay, breathe with me. Breathe in, aaand breathe out. Good. Continue. Breathe in, aaand breathe out. Good. Breathe slowly, Evan. Try to look at me, okay? Yes, like that. Great job, Evan. Don’t worry everything’s okay.  
-Zoe get out of my way.- demanded Mr. Murphy -This kid owes me an explanation.-  
Zoe turned slightly to face her father -I will not move and he doesn’t owe you anything. I really didn’t want to believe you were like this, but Connor was right.- she said to him  
-What are you talking about?- asked Larry  
-I found a couple of journals in Connor’s room. He kept track of his progress during therapy. I know how you really treated him, I know. You never accepted him. You never tried to understand him. He was lonely and he was hurting and he needed help and you just convinced him that everything was his fault and that we were better off without him. You convinced him that he was unlovable and dangerous. You had this one chance to finally accept your son, your son who died of suicide after fighting for years mental illnesses all alone, and you threw it away. Look at yourself, look at how you treated Evan. He was just trying to say the truth, to help you understand. He really loved Connor, you know? He really did. And Connor loved him, so much more than you could ever imagine.- Zoe was looking straight into her father’s eyes while she kept holding Evan’s shoulders to comfort him.  
-How dare you…- tried to say Larry  
-This conversation is over. I suggest you discuss all of this with mom and try to sort things out. I will take Evan home now.- finished Zoe before going away with Evan.

 

Evan never returned to visit the Murphys again. He kept in touch only with Zoe, who became a member of the Connor Project. He never asked about her parents, but she eventually told him that they got divorced and she went to live on her own as soon as she could. She had taken all of Connor’s photos and journals with her, trying to always keep his memory alive, just like Evan did with their emails.  
Evan and Zoe, once they became friends, kept going to the apple orchard together, now that they restored it to its original beauty thanks to the Connor Project, and it was there that they hosted the first gallery with Connor’s photographs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is actually the end. Thanks for reading my story, leave a comment if you'd like.


	11. Bonus: Alternative Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fragments of what could've happened if Evan had found Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked me if I could write this and honestly I needed to write this for myself anyway...
> 
> (I had to edit this chapter as I noticed that I posted it without the italics for thoughts)

-No, no, no, no! Please, Connor! No! Please, look at me! No, no no! Connor! Connor!- A couple of Evan’s tears landed on Connor’s face. -Please, Connor.-  
_This is it._ Thought Connor. _Goodbye. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to see this, Evan._ He felt Evan shake him some more and crying and then he felt nothing.

 _White. There’s white everywhere. I hate white. This must be hell._ Connor tried to open his eyes, but the light was too bright. He felt people gasping and moving around him.

He heard a song. _Uptown girl. Evan loves that song. Maybe this isn’t hell after all._ He felt something brushing his hand and tried to open his eyes again.

He was so sure. That was Evan’s voice. It can’t be, though. But if it is… I just want to see him… Evan…

Someone around him was speaking, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He tried to concentrate on the words and then… -Connor?- the voice was unfamiliar -Connor, your sister Zoe and Evan are here. They came to see you.- _Zoe and Evan? Together? And they came to see me? Zoe came to see me? I have to open my eyes. I must open my eyes!_

He concentrated all his will into opening his eyes and suddenly he succeeded. He tried to speak, but his voice didn’t come out. There was white all around him and the air smelled of sanitizer. _It’s a hospital. Why am I here? I… I… I lived. How is this possible? I… I don’t understand… Evan. Of course, he called an ambulance. He… He saved me._ A nurse approached him carefully -Hi, Connor! My name is Laura. You are in a hospital. Do you remember why?- she asked calmly. Connor forced himself to speak -I… I… Suicide…- he managed to say. -Yes. That’s right. It’s normal if you have difficulty talking, you’ve been in a coma for a little more than a week. It will take a while, but you will recover.- she smiled warmly -Just… Considering your attempt, you will be monitored and a psychologist will come to speak to you. Nobody will force you to speak, but I suggest you to at least try.- she finished and looked at Connor with eyes full of hope -I… I’ll try… Is… Is Evan here?- he swallowed hard trying to soothe the pain in his throat.

 _I know he’ll hate me. I was so stupid. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I call him? Why didn’t I ask for help? And what will Zoe think? What will I tell her?_ Connor’s mind was racing as he waited for Evan and Zoe to come in his room. He asked just for them. he didn’t want to see his parents in that moment. Evan entered the room and as soon as Connor saw him he began to cry. Evan. My Evan. Evan. The boy rushed towards Connor and sat beside him on the bed, he was crying too. -I’m so sorry…- started to say Connor -I’m so sorry… Evan… I’m so sorry…- Evan shushed him -It’s okay. Don’t worry. It’s okay. I missed you so much. I love you.- he said as he kissed him all over his face.

Zoe walked in slowly. She sat on the other side of the bed and avoided looking at Connor directly. -Zoe… I…- What can I say? How can I explain this? -Don’t force yourself to speak, Connor… Evan… He explained everything to me… We met when I came to visit you and we talked and… I wanted to know why was he here and… Connor, I’m so sorry… I had no idea… I should’ve…- Zoe had started crying too -No, no, no… It’s not your fault… Nothing is your fault… I’m the one who pushed you away… You… I’m so happy you are here. I’m sorry… If I hadn’t treated you that way…- Connor couldn’t finish as Zoe hugged him tight.

When Connor was out of the hospital he went to stay at Evan’s home, with Heidi’s permission, while he tried to fix his relationship with his parents. Zoe often came to visit and spent her afternoons with him and Evan, reconnecting with Connor and helping him study. Connor started taking pictures again, at first as a therapy assignment and then he rediscovered his passion. Everything was going to be fine. He slowly started to believe that. He had Evan by his side and now Zoe too. He went to an actual therapist, paid by his mother even if his father disapproved. _Everything was going to be fine._

 _Stop, please. Stop, stop, stop. I can’t take it anymore. It’s all too loud. It’s all too much. i can’t stand it! STOP! STOP! STOP! IT HURTS! IT’S TOO MUCH!_ Connor fell down on his knees, grabbing fistfuls of hair and crying desperately. Evan and Zoe entered the guest room, just getting back from school, and immediately dropped their bags and ran to Connor.  
-Hey, Connor?- Zoe spoke softly, avoiding touch like Evan told her to -Connor? Hey, hey… It’s okay. We are here. Everything’s okay. I’m here by your side and Evan’s here. Everything’s okay. Can I touch your hands?- Connor groaned in response -Yeah?- another groan followed by a slight nod. Zoe carefully moved her arms towards Connor -Okay Connor, I’m going to grab your hands now.- she said as she reached for them and held them tight -Good. Now hold on to my hands okay? I know that you are in pain, but you have to relax a bit to feel better and you can’t do that if you keep your hands in your hair. Okay?- Connor nodded slightly and Zoe looked over to Evan to signal him he had the space to intervene. He sat in front of Connor and tried to meet his gaze -Connor, love, listen to my voice. Try to breathe with me, okay? Yeah, like that. Good. Slowly and calmly. You’re doing great! See, you are already breathing normally.- _Everything’s okay. I’m okay. I have Zoe and I have Evan. I’m okay._ Connor hugged both Evan and Zoe tight. -Shhh. It’s okay, Connor. We are here.- Evan continued to chant while he stroked Connor’s back.

-You are worried, right? About coming back home?- asked Zoe while she helped Connor pack his stuff. Connor turned away to avoid Zoe’s gaze and occupied himself with folding a pile of shirts  
-Yeah… I… I know it’s stupid… But I’m afraid that everything will go back to like it was before and… And I’m afraid that I’ll feel alone again…- he admitted  
-Connor…- Zoe’s voice was soft, but filled with worry and compassion. _No, Zoe, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry._  
-I know… I’m sorry… I don’t think that you… That you would stop talking to me… It’s just that… It all seems too good to be true and… I keep feeling like it could all disappear… I’m afraid I’ll drive you away again or dad will keep you away from me or…- Zoe stepped closer  
-Hey, hey, hey. Slooow doown. Even if you get worse again, now I know why. I can understand you better and I can help you and… Now you are going to therapy, which is great and helpful and you are doing great. Of course there’s no magic wand to fix everything in a day, but even if the path to recovery is long, you are already walking it. And about dad… He won’t keep me away from you. He won’t isolate you and hurt you anymore. I promise. I’ll always be there for you. And mom will be so happy to have you back home. Focus on all the good things, okay?- she said looking directly into Connor’s eyes. -Okay.- he said -Thank you, Zoe. You are the best.-

-Welcome back honey!- Mrs Murphy restrained herself from hugging Connor as Zoe explained to her that he wasn’t completely comfortable with physical contact. She seemed happy and nervous at the same time, like the emotion of having Connor back home was too much to handle for her. _Oh, mom, I missed you so much._ -I… I’m so happy to have you back here… And… Don’t worry I left your room exactly how it was, I didn’t touch or move anything and… I cooked your favourite for dinner and…- she suddenly broke down and started crying copiously -Mom… Don’t worry… I know… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, I scared you and I hurt you and I shouldn’t have…- Connor was crying too -No, no, no. Connor, honey. It’s not your fault. I’m your mother, it’s my duty to… I should’ve known… i should’ve helped you... I… I… I love you so much, Connor.- he hugged her as tight as he could -I love you too, mom. I love you too.-

-Connor, breakfast’s ready!- called Cynthia from the kitchen. Connor arrived from upstairs and sat next to Zoe. -Evan said that he’ll wait for us at the entrance and that he has a welcome back gift for you.- said Zoe as she passed him the milk. Connor couldn’t hide his smile _I’ll finally be out with Evan. I don’t care about what everyone thinks anymore, I’ll be happy with Evan by my side. We’ll do all that stupid cheesy shit couples do and we’ll be so happy._ -Oh… Uhm… We’ll see him later, then…- he replied. Mrs Murphy handed Connor a small pill bottle -Here’s your meds honey, don’t forget them... Is it okay if we invite Heidi Hansen and Evan to dinner? We can all celebrate your return to school and I could finally meet your boyfriend… Would you like that?- she asked him and Connor blushed slightly -I… I would love that, mom! I will ask Evan as soon as I see him!- he looked so excited and then suddenly he got serious -Do we have to invite dad too?- he asked -Oh, no honey. It’s your night and if you don’t want him here you don’t have to invite him. He made his choice.- Mrs Murphy smiled and kissed both Connor’s and Zoe’s temples.

 _Please, someone open the damn door!_ Connor was jumping from one feet to the other waiting for someone to let him in. Heidi opened the door. -Oh, hi Connor! Are you searching for Evan? He’s in the living room…- she said, but she couldn’t finish as Connor was already sprinting inside. -Thank you, Ms. Hansen! Sorry, I have some good news and they can’t wait!- he shouted happily to her as he entered the living room. He jumped in front of Evan and startled him -Connor, hey. How…? Is everything okay? Do you need something? Did I forget something? Did we have a date and I forgot about it? Have I done something?- Evan started speaking really quickly -Whoa, hey. Slow down, babe. Everything’s okay! I have great news!- he exclaimed -Oh… Well, what is it? Don’t leave me hanging!- prompted Evan. Connor smiled brightly -I GOT INTO COLLEGE!- he said while jumping in place. -OH MY GOD! WOW! IT’S GREAT! CONGRATULATIONS!- Evan matched his excited tone -I know and it’s not all! I got into your same college! The photography program is great and I’ll be able to go to the same college and we could share an apartment to share the expenses… Oh, right, do you want to share an apartment? I still have to learn to cook well, but I’m pretty good at cleaning so I can help with that and I can…- Evan started laughing and he had to grab Connor’s shoulders to be able to stand -Connor, love… We are already a couple you don’t have to convince me to move in with you for college, of course I want to.- Connor blushed -Sorry… I… I’m so happy and… I can’t contain myself… I…- Evan caressed Connor’s cheek -Hey, it’s okay… I like seeing you like this… Bubbling with energy! And also,- he said as he kissed Connor -I like that I made you blush for once.- Connor in response became as red as a tomato and buried his face in Evan’s shoulder.

Connor wakes up at the sound of his alarm and slowly gets up. He rubs his face and turns on the light just outside of the bedroom. He walks to the kitchen and still drowsy from sleep he makes coffee and starts to prepare breakfast. As soon as the aroma of coffee fills the air, Connor hears shuffling sounds from the bedroom and a couple of minutes later a pair of arms wraps around his waist.  
-’Morning, love…- Evan’s voice is still hoarse, but Connor can feel that he’s smiling  
-Good morning, babe. Coffee?- he asks and he hears Evan hum a yes. Connor pours two cups of coffee and they sit at the table in front of one another, silently sipping their coffee. Connor reaches out to hold Evan’s left hand and feels his ring beneath his fingertips. It has been there for three years, now. They’ve been together since high school and they faced all the challenges of their lives together. Connor is better now. He feels it inside of himself. He has found that peace he desperately needed. His anxiety still rises up from time to time and so does his depression, but he can manage that now. Thanks to therapy, thanks to his meds, thanks to Evan, thanks to Zoe and their mother and thanks to all the amazing friends he made in college.  
Now Connor wakes up everyday next to Evan and he loves him more and more everyday.. He pursued his passion for photography and now he has a job that he loves for a big magazine. He goes out with friends, he goes on vacation with his mother and he talks with his sister almost every day.  
_It does get better._  
 _Everything’s okay now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are.  
> I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
